Celeb news - I will be back in time for a nice cup of tea

What's your favourite movie quote from a film? Well, come on then. Out with it. If you've not had chance to think then how about looking at what a recent poll says. They went through all your obvious ones, like 007's 'my name is James. James Bonds'. Or that one from Mary Poppins, 'G'day Mary Poppins'. Or the one from Jaws. 'Aaaargh it's a massive shark and I think it's going to bite my leg or something.' But the one they settled on was by California's own Arnold Schwarzenegger from his famous film The Terminators. You know the one, where he's a robot man from the future who knocks on doors asking people if they know Tom O'Connor and promises that he'll return in a bit saying 'I will be back'. Classic Arnie.

And if acting awards could speak, one that was once given to Nottingham's Su Pollard may very well have said 'I will be back.' Super Su was given an award back in 1966 but somehow the trophy was lost and ended up stuck in a cupboard for decades. But just like Arnie the award came back and was presented once more to Su at Glade Hill Primary School in Bestwood Park. And if you want to spend your internet minutes on something else there's an online web video of Su giving the award a good ol' kiss. Mwah!

Someone who doesn't even need to say 'I will be back' is Canadian teen singing sensation Justin Biebers. The superstar sproglet was rumoured this week to be retiring from showbiz. But it was just a rumour and we can all look forward to his new album which, according to sources at the back of my cupboard, will be called 'The Sound of Beige'. Tracks may include such wonders as 'All Fields (I remember when)', 'It's Slipper Time', and the more saucy number 'Walk in Bath for Two'. Order now and Michael Parkinson will even throw in a free Parkers Pen. Perhaps.

Celeb news - Rude Boy Rouhani

Justin Bieber teased his new video this week but the cherub-faced Canadian child star has got some competition on his hands in the form of Hassan Rouhani. The Iranian President can be seen online, on your actual internet, in a music video featuring his endorsement speech from August set to music. Details on the video entitled Nowsafar (or New Journey) are sketchy, because I can't be bothered to watch it, but sources close to one of my cats say that the new Persian Prince of Pop is probably doing some twerking in it or something. The Iranian embassy have yet to confirm or deny this, mainly because I haven't asked them, but there does remain a chance that while doing his speech Rude Boy Rouhani also did a bit of be-hind waggling.

Speaking of be-hinds, famous movie film star actor, Tom Cruise, from off of Days of Thunder, is coming to England to film Mission Impossibles 5. But, you may cry, what about the slightly lower than Californian temperatures that afflict this fair isle, won't they prove a chilling discomfort to Mr Cruise's derriere? Well, my over concerned pretend chum, you can stop worrying. Tom has ordered a load of battery powered underpants to keep his tush nice and toasty. They could also give Tom the chance to make more friends on set if he offers to warm up pasties, sausage rolls and pizza slices for co-stars in his portable trouser oven.

Oh and in other news it was Rita Ora's birthday this week. She had a party and wore a dress but at some point or other it was possible to see her underpants. If you missed it, someone took a photo.

Celeb news - Monty's Python and Shergar's Twanky

Don't panic Mr Mainwaring, famous comedy sketch group Monty's Python are set to reunite on the stage, just like that. So get out your four candles and prepare to titter, ooh no missus, at all their famous jokes once again. We're all massive fans here at the celebrity news unit, especially of their ongoing gag about the painting of the fallen Madonna with the big boobies?

Speaking of which, your actual Madonna has hit the top of some Forbes rich list for pop stars. Apparently she's made a chunk of cash from her MDNA tour. I've not had chance to check out what that actually means. (I've been busy alphabetising my sock drawer.) However I reckon it's where Lady Madge has been offering competitive APR to her fans so they can take a loan out to get their mitts on some pointy bras.

I've no idea if Rebecca Adlington has ever worn a pointy bra but I do know the I'm a Celebrity star is set to be all over your telly this Christmas time. Mansfield's Becca is going to appear on a special festive version of popular TV wallpaper Come, Dine With Me. The other guests have probably been announced as well. I imagine they've got other top sporting names including Roger Bannisters, Fatima Whitbread and Shergar. Actually producers may have a bit of trouble getting Shergar as I've heard he's appearing as Widow Twanky at Long Eaton's Duchess Theatre this Christmas. And if that's true you'd better get your hooves on some tickets quick before they all sell out.

Paul Stacey played this on his radio show. He's a very kind man. Listen to him on Erewash Sound, either by going to 96.8fm or erewashsound.com.

Celebrity news - Ink stink

Alan Titchmarsh, 64, has fallen into a feud with rival chat show host Paul O'Grady, 58. O'Grady spilled the beans on his beef by claiming Titch had nicked his chat show ideas, on everything from booking the same guests right down to having the same set design. O'Grady's comments fell from his face as he spoke to Alan 'the chatting man' Carr on his Chatting Man chat show, adding about Titch: "“If our paths cross in the corridor he will rue the day.”
Well, has that day come to pass? Is Alan rue-ing as we speak? He may very well be as it was announced this week that he would no longer be the face of the BBC's Chelsea Flower Show coverage when it returns in 2014. We can only speculate about Paul O'Grady's involvement in this decision, which is quite probably non-existent, but did he put the frighteners on BBC bosses? Has Lily gone quite literally savage? If this is the case it may be time for Titch to crew up and get the Dimbleboys in for protection.

Controversial shock jock David Dimbleby, 75, has stunned fans by bolstering his bad boy image and getting a tattoo of a scorpion on his shoulder. Dimbleby's new ink has caused quite the stink with pretend pretend parents. Made up mum of three Victoria Park was outraged saying "my kids are massive fans of Dimbo and now all they want to do is get a tattoo. It's like Paxman's beard all over again. Have you ever seen a four year old with face fuzz and body art? It's ridiculous!"

Paul Stacey played a sound version of this on his radio breakfast show. It's Erewash Sound, which you can get by tuning to 96.8fm or visiting www.erewashsound.com.

Celeb news - Pixie cut droids in space

Open auditions are going to be held in London for the new Star Wars sequels. It's your chance to Force your way into showbiz and join Hand Solo and Princess Layla aboard the Minellium Falcons.

I wanted to go for the part of Sven Duplex, a Droid farmer from the planet Frangipane with a drink problem and a heart of gold. I wanted to go for that part but it doesn't exist.

Instead I have to come crashing back to reality in the spaceship of my mind, while I confront the Earth shattering news that Pamela Andersons, from off of Baywatch, has had a haircut. The blonde bombshell has stunned fans by having a short pixie cut. We asked an actual pretend pixie for their opinion. "It's looks quite nice. I think it suits her," was their reply.

"Yeah well what about Lady Gaga?" You might say. "Someone should shoot her into space." Well, it's funny that you might say that because she might actually be shooting off into space in 2015 and performing a song aboard Richard Branson's Virgin Galactic. The gig will be part of the Zero Gravity festival in Mexico. But where do they go from here? Will Phil Collins do a drum solo on Mars? Will Katrina and the Waves actually walk on sunshine? Will Bucks Fizz blast themselves into the future to team up with Buck Rogers in the 25th Century and save the world from aliens in bad 70s outfits? We can only speculate. And you can only hear my voice saying these words if you listen to Paul Stacey's breakfast show on a Friday. He's on Erewash Sound, which is on 96.8fm in the Erewash area (Ilkeston, Long Eaton, Ockbrook etc etc).

Celebrity news - Space dinosaurs

Susan Boyle, you know the one who dreamed a dream, is going to have a movie made out of her life story. But will it stick to the facts or will Hollywood play it fast and loose? Producers have yet to confirm whether the film will be a special effects spectacular featuring space dinosaurs and a cameo from Steven Seagal as a kung fu Simon Cowell. But we can only hope.

In other film news, Daniel Radcliffes from off of Harry Potter and your Goblets of Fire is going to play Sebastian Coe. My sources have been sketchy on details but I expect the movie will focus on Lord Coe's thrilling edge of the seat 1992 race to become Member of Parliament for Falmouth and Camborne.No word yet on space dinosaurs or Steven Seagal's role in all this.

And finally, Crazy Britney has done it again one more time. The singer behind the song 'Work Bitch', a jaunty number about border collies, has been used by the Merchant Navy to scare off Somali pirates. The Merchant Navy say it's because Britters is the perfect example of Western decadence and the pirates can't stand to be in earshot off it. Our pop up pretend Somali spokespirate disagreed saying, 'Aaah tis true we can't stand Britney but tis only cost we're massive fans of Christina Aguileraaaargh!'

Paul Stacey played this on his radio show. You can hear him every morning from 7 on Erewash Sound.

Celebrity news - Unangenehm

Unangenehm! As our German chums might say. Awkward! That's how professional president and top American Barack Obamas must feel as his German counterpart Angie Merkel rings to find out why the US is spying on her telephone. We spoke to one pretend spook on condition of anonymity who told us - 'There's nothing to worry about, it was meant to be a secret but I suppose you should know, President Obamas is really one of Santa's helpers. In fact everyone in the NSA has got a hotline to Father Christmas in the North Pole. We just wanted to listen in to find out what Angie really likes and make sure we got her the perfect present. Is that such a crime? Sheesh!'

Sheesh indeed. What could this perfect present be? One look at the sales charts on one popular online retailer may reveal a clue. Last week it was revealed that for the first time since internet records began Sir Cliff Richards is not the number one top selling celebrity calendar. No sirree Bob, it's his arch rivals the One Direction whose calendars are flying off the virtual shelves like actual hot cakes. Sir Clifford has soon put the shoe on the upper hand though as this week it's emerged that his mugs are selling faster than the ones by One Direction. Cliff's managed sales of 2000 for his mugs whereas the 1D boys have only managed 250 sales for theirs. Pfft!!

All these mugs and calendars can't just be for President Obama's mates, you might say. And you'd be abso-bloomin-lutely right. But where are they going? The trail leads us back to Germany where the Bishop of Bling Franz-Peter Tebartz-van Elst has been accused of spending about £26 million doing up his official residence. With that amount of cash he can afford to treat himself and, though the Vatican has yet to confirm it, the suspended bish may have dished out a fair few euros on Cliff Richards's mug with plenty leftover to splash on a One Direction calendar. Unangenehm indeed, you naughty bishop!

This was on the radio. Erewash Sound to be exact. Listen on 96.8fm or www.erewashsound.com.

Celebrity news - you don't even know nuffink

Pop singer Robin Thickie has startled fans with a blistering attack on the intellectual prowess of the Great British public. The pop star claims that Britons don't understand his song 'Blurred Lines'. We went out and spoke to a fictional member of the hard working British community who said, 'like Robin Thickie don't even know what he's talking about, he don't even know nuffink and like I heard his breath stink like a baboon done a poo in his mouth or somefink.'

Great Britain, who this week won a Nobel Prize or something, was keen to show off its clever clogs status some more. One of this proud nation's fine newspapers was cock-a-hoop with itself to have found a picture of nineties pop princess Mariah Carey in which you could see a bit of her bra. One made-up reader said, 'I've not been this excited since I found the lingerie section in my mum's mail order catalogue. On those blessed pages, you could see the whole of a lady's bra and have a good old think about maybe one day being able to have a bit of a cuddle with her. Ah happy days.'

Speaking of sweet things, in industrialised countries the average person consumes about 33.1kg of sugar per year. This is about the weight of a decent sized labrador and just isn't enough! No! And to help us scoff more of the sweetie goodness is person from the television Melanie Sykes. Ms Sykes has become the new face of a sugar company and with her help we can drive that average up to at least the weight of St Bernard or a small pony. So get off your behinds, get down to your local coffee shop, tear open some sachets and started pouring the stuff down your throats. Don't do it for yourself, don't even do it for me, do it for Melanie Sykes.


This was on the radio this morning. It was on Erewash Sound. Their website is www.erewashsound.com.

Celebrity news - spitting in your face

Wotsisface Bieber has narrowly missed having to spend time on the chain gang. It's been reported that he won't face arrest for allegedly spitting in the face of a neighbour in March. The Biebster, best known for abandoning his monkey in Germany, was said to have propelled the gobload after his neighbour confronted him for driving unbelievably recklessly. The police man person in America what done the thorough investigation into this said Biebo's actions were 'disproportionate and immature', but that there wasn't enough evidence that any criminal activity had taken place. Our zoological correspondent tracked down Justin Bieber's former monkey who had this to say 'ooooh, oooh ooh', which roughly translates as 'what a dick'.

The monkey was strangely silent on the subject of Helen Flanagan's hair colour. Ms Flanagan apparently used to be on Coronation Street and at one time had blonde hair and then she didn't have blonde hair and now she does have blonde hair and everything is all right with the world.

Gary Barlows from off of Take That has kinda got blonde hair. He's also kinda going to be on Coronation Street. Posters for his real album will be pasted onto fake billboards to be shown on the long running itv+1 soap opera programme. We asked Ilkeston's number one Les Dennis impersonator, what fan favourite Mavis Wilton would say about all this, to which he replied 'I don't really know', which is no help at all, honestly!

The sound audio version of this went out on the radio on Erewash Sound. They have a website. It is www.erewashsound.com.

Celeb news - birds of a winslet

Kate Winslet has announced she won't be taking the surname of her husband Ned Rocknroll
According to our stupid made up names correspondent Orson Cart, she may be considering alternative surnames to better express her own unique, special individuality and has narrowed these down to either Kate Shakenvac, Kate Pickmmix or Kate Mygodwhatkindofegotisticalidiotcallshimselfrocknrollanywaynstuff.

Speaking of names that people are called. That bloke from TV's call centre show is called Nev. He and his crazy gang of wacky call centre workers are to release a single in a bid to make Christmas number one. Could it be about how you don't have to be mad to work there, but it helps? Or could it be a three minute apology for how the company he and his maaaaaaaaad minions work for were fined £225,000 in June for making thousands of nuisance calls? We tried ringing our contact in the land of far far away who informed us that they were having dinner and if we didn't stop bothering them they'd ram the bleeping phone right up our bleep.

You may ask where this leaves Linda Robson, Pauline Quirke and Lesley Joseph. It'd be a strange thing to ask but I'll answer anyway. They're making a new series of birds of a feather to be shown on Itv. So that's nice.

Celeb news - truck fest

According to a poster in the chippy, this year's Truck Fest at Newark Showground featured an appearance by former Eastenders star Michelle Collins. A spokesperson for the ghost of Herbie the love bug has rushed to quash rumours that Michelle was only there due to her belief that Transformers is based on a true story. 'Mich just loves trucks and trucking, she's not trying to trick Optimus Prime into revealing himself so she can steal his alien robot weaponry and try to take over the world. Such an assertion is ridiculous and I'd thank you for not bringing the matter up again.'

The transforming submarine car from James Bond movie The Spy Who Loved Me has been sold at auction for half a million pounds this week. The white Lotus Esprit was used by Roger Moore’s 007 to charm ladies and save the day but could it be used for evil rather than good? Could this be a rival bid for super villain status? Is it perhaps time for Justin Bieber’s monkey to emerge from his hollowed out volcano in the middle of rural Germany to wreak his revenge on the world of pop? We contacted the simian fiend and were given this inconclusive statement ‘ooh ooh ah ah.’

Villainy aside it’s been a week for celebrating heroes with Rylan Clark named spectacle wearer of the year by a high-street chain of opticians. Rylan is best known for something or other [look this one up] and the award marks a high point in his career. A quick glance at the crystal ball I picked up at the local hospice shop reveals that news anchor Jon Snow is expected to run away with next week’s sock wearer of the year, while his colleague, the erstwhile Newsbeat presenter Krishnan Guru-Murthy, will take away the gong for loveliest eyebrows in a supporting role.

Celebrity news - strictly cliff

Strictly Come Dancing is waltzing back onto our screens with all your favourite celebrity famous people including one or other of the hairy bikers, a young lady who does the adding up on that show people used to watch and Sophie Ellis-Bextors from I Love Top of the Pops 2001. The show has been an annual event every year for what seems like ages and the producers have probably taken the chance to freshen things up a bit. That’s what usually happens. So expect 110% more excitement, thrills, spills and animals as Tess Daly is replaced by a real life grizzly bear and Brucie ‘Bruce’ Forsyth is just a dart gun away from death. Grr!

But everyone loves bears. Don't they? Maybe even bachelor boy and panda of pop Cliff Richards who has announced the release of his 100th album in November. Sir Cliffords describes The Fabulous Rock’n’Roll Songbook as a tribute to the likes of Elvis Presley, Chuck Berry, Little Richards and Buddy Holly. How has he managed to release so many albums? That may become clearer in December when he releases The Fabulous Christmas Carol Songbook, again in January when he gives us The Fabulous Nursery Rhyme Songbook and even more so in February with The Fabulous Phone Book Songbook where cliffles sings his favourite numbers from over the past century including the 80s classic 081 811 81 81 and the bang up to date non emergency number 101.

One number I hope Cliff has got in his rock'n'roll Rolodex is that of off the rails, crazy wild child Miley Cyrus. The star has worn a bikini on telly, done some saucy dancing and even said a naughty swear to a paparazzo. Will no one stop her? What will she do next? She's literally like unpredictable or something. She just cant keep out of the headlines.Oh and she's also got a song out. You can buy it in the shops or on the internet through one of those website things you hear so much about.

This kind of stuff is also available in a spoken word style on Erewash Sound. Tune in locally on 96.8fm or through www.erewashsound.com. It goes out every Friday on Paul Stacey's breakfast show.

Celebrity news - pensioners special

And now on world of yeah the bloke in front of you in the queue explains the week in celebrity happenings...

It's alright duck, I've got me bag for life, not sure how long that'll be though...shoulda gi'n me a discount for light usage. Mind you, some of them famous folk'll be dead before me, rate they're going. If it's not drug tekkin' it's summat else. Did ya see watsherface? 'Er what used to be married to 'im from that thing? It's a ruddy disgrace. Can't say ought though, else they'll 'ave ya for health'n'safety.

That other one's no better. Ya can see her knickers most on the time. She's done a book an' all! You can see it in mobile library bold as brass. Like I said to 'er next door, I wouldn't read that muck if you paid me.

Them young'uns on the telly though. I can't mek owt what they on wi'. You don't know where half on em's been. Prob'ly got rabies or summat. I wun't let 'em near my dog, not if they start drooling or foaming at the mouth, no thank you. 

What? £3.47? I've got the 47 here if that's any help. No it's no bother. I'm in no hurry. 14...28...36...43... I'm sure I had a couple more tuppences in here. I don't know. You'd better mek do wi' just a fiver else we'll be here all day.

Celebrity news - One Direction and musical roughage

The new One Direction movie, This is U.S., has had its world premiere this Tuesday. The film was directed by Morgan Spurlock, most famous for bringing us the documentary Supersize Me.

I’m not sure what This is U.S. is about, but the bloke in the video shop reckons it follows Spurlock for a month as he tries to exist on a musical diet restricted to only One Direction. There are shocking scenes as he throws up in his car after listening to an entire album for the first time. Record company bosses, however, insist that there’s no danger from listening to One Direction and that their ‘music’ can be enjoyed as part of a healthy cultural lifestyle. Experts, according someone my mate knows, say that it’s best to introduce a bit of musical roughage with your One Direction and suggest their fans try a bit of Megadeth once in a while.

Megadeth, the titans of thrash metal, and favourite band of former House of Commons speaker Betty Boothroyd (probably), announced this week the release of a new live album in September. The record will feature a complete live performance of their classic album Countdown to Extinction and include such tracks as Ashes in your Mouth, She Wolf and Skin O’ My Teeth. The record may or not be packaged with the official soundtrack to the One Direction movie, along with some black eyeliner and a lovely pair of ripped jeans.

There are rumours that the One Direction-Megadeth connection will continue as that one from 1D who’s not Harry Styles has become engaged to someone or other from Little Mix. The word on the made-up streets is that the loved-up youngsters will skip down the aisle to the classic sounds of Megadeth’s Symphony of Destruction. But in a bold move the couple may take their first dance to the mellifluous melodies of Slayer’s Seasons in the Abyss. Or not. We at the celebrity news unit wish the happy couple all the best for their future together. Whoever they are.

This goes out on the radio as a spoken word thing every Friday morning on Erewash Sound. See www.erewashsound.com or follow DJ Paul Stacey on Twitter for details.

Celebrity news - celebrity nudes unit

It's the world of yeah celebrity nudes unit. Your guide to who's not wearing what. For some reason lady gaga's taken her clothes off to appear in a music video or something.

This maverick move has been welcomed by newspapers because it gives them the excuse to print some naughty pictures. One fake reporter told us "don't creep up on me like that when I'm on the computer I could be working on something private" and then added "don't tell my mum will you?"

Lady Gaga's lead is not being followed by everyone though. Bucks Fizz bombshell Cheryl Baker has disappointed or delighted fans by announcing she won't be stripping off to save some tigers. The eurovision pop legend is keeping her kit firmly on in spite of promoting the forthcoming Streak for Tigers event at London Zoo. The zoo is looking for volunteers to streak starkers around the zoo on Saturday 15 August to raise a bit of money along with 'the profile of the drastic work that needs to be done in order to save the Sumatran Tiger', of which there are only 300 left in the wild. A spokestiger has said, "if Cheryl wants to keep covered that's fine. We're just glad for the shout out from a showbiz legend and if it encourages more people to air their wobblies and raise some cash for a good cause, we're all for it. Good on ya' Chel!"

The non -existent speaking tiger had nothing to say about One Direction's state of undress. One of them, the one that's not Harry styles has been photographed without his top on while on a balcony in Los Angeles. We're led to believe that this was a gratis glimpse and that no endangered animals were saved in the process.  Rumours flying round my back garden are that there's a campaign to sponsor one direction to keep their shirts on for a bit. One fatigued garden gnome said "I just wish they'd give it a rest, what's wrong with wearing a cardigan or something?"


Sign up for the Streak for Tigers event here:


https://www.zsl.org/text-only/support-us/challenge-events/streak-for-tigers-thursday-15-august,2096,AR.html

The audio version of this sort of thing goes out every Friday morning on Erewash Sound.

Celebrity news: Mercury attacked by Jacko's llama luvvie

Prepare your ears for the release of duets from Michael Jackson and Freddie Mercury later this year. According to Anita Dobson’s husband, Brian May, people will be able to hear the tracks in about two months’ time. The duo recorded a number of songs together in 1983, but had to cut short their studio time after Jackson brought in an actual llama.

To whet your appetite for the release of these historic recordings we have a World of Yeah celebrity news unit showbiz exclusive. Here, exclusively, we have an exclusive interview with that very llama, Colin.

Hello Colin. Thanks for joining us.
It’s a pleasure. I’m a huge fan of the show.

Thirty years ago you were working with Michael Jackson and Freddie Mercury. Two legends in pop. What was that like?
A delight from start to finish. Both of them were absolute gents.

How did you meet?
It was a party at Su Pollard’s house. You can always rely on dear Su for a good spread. I’d been hogging the buffet with Paul Shane, you know egging him on to see how many pickled onions he could fit into his mouth when I heard this tiny polite cough. I turned round and who should it be but the young one from off of the Jackson’s 5 trying to get to the cheese and pineapple on a stick. Paul almost choked. I had to hit him on the back with a good old hoof, which caused mushed pickled onion to fly all over Michael. I mean…what could you do? Su was a diamond. She got him a dressing gown and put his shirt in the twin tub. And then we just spent the rest of the night chatting, he about his music, me about the guard behaviour of llamas and our use in modern farming to protect livestock. 

And from this chance meeting over Su Pollard’s buffet, you were invited to join Michael Jackson and Freddie Mercury in the studio?
Yes. I was thrilled. When I met Freddie I told him as much. Love you work Freddie, I said, especially that Bohemian’s Rhapsody one you did. A bit long but good nevertheless. He smiled with those teeth of his.

It’s said that recording stopped, and I apologise for bringing this up, because you were disruptive. Is there any truth to that rumour?
A misunderstanding. Llamas, and I’m no exception, are fiercely protective. Dear Michael and Freddie are singing away, you know like they would, when all of a sudden my camelid instincts flare up. Freddie looks like he’s going for Michael, of whom I’d grown very fond, and I’m afraid I see red. I burst into the studio. The producer’s going absolutely ape defecation crazy and I put myself between Michael and Freddie, spitting away. Trying, or so I think, to protect my friend. Well, it takes some for the shouting to clear. Things were said, you know, and I end up at Paul Shane’s house, snacking on pickled onions and waiting to hear from Michael. Eventually he calls, all very understanding, and explains Freddie wasn’t trying to attack him it was just a case of over exuberant jazz hands. Years later we could laugh about it, but at the time I was mortified. 

And was that the end of you studio pop career?
Not quite. I did the odd job, off and on. You know doing backing vocals for the Sugarbabes, stuff like that.

Colin thank you ever so much for talking to us today. And if you want to hear things like this why not tune in to Paul Stacey's breakfast show on a Friday on Erewash Sound. 96.8fm or www.erewashsound.com.

Celebrity news - Teen Beach Football in a Low Cut Dress

It’s the must see hit of the summer! Amazing! Five stars! A triumph! A sure-fire classic! It’s Teen Beach Movie and with any luck we’ll be quoted on the poster. It’s this year’s Saved by the Bell! It’s probably got all your favourite teen beach stars. This may or may not include Miley Cyrus, whose new single ‘We Can’t Stop’ is said to reference MDMA, which is a credit card company or something. Some people are said to be upset about the MDMA thing, probably because it could be seen to encourage teenagers to rely on credit.

If Miley is in Teen Beach Movie, she’s probably playing someone trying to consolidate her debts into one manageable loan but finds her credit score makes some lenders jumpy. It’s deeper than you think, I think, all about fiscal responsibility in a world where jobs for life are few and far between.

One of the few remaining long term jobs is being vacated as James Alexander Gordon retires after roughly 161 years of reading the classified football results. Luton Rovers 4 – Derby Athletic 1. I’m not sure who they’re going to get to replace him. Hamilton Pedagogicals 2 – Arbroath under 11s 3. They need some new blood, someone young (but not too young, early thirties should do it). S Club 7 – Jackson 5. I mean, if they asked … Police Academy 2 – Ghostbusters 2… I’d be delighted.

I just can’t do Saturdays.

Speaking of The Saturdays one of them was seen wearing a low cut dress this week. It was in the paper. You can probably find a picture on the internet as well. Mind you, in this weather you can even get away without wearing a vest. But for Gok’s sake, drink plenty of water and avoid sitting out in it for too long.

Listen to the actual audio version of Celebrity News every Friday morning at about 8am on Wake up with Erewash. www.erewashsound.com or 96.8fm. Follow @paulstaceyshow on twitters for more details.

Celebrity news - Lines are closed

Welcome back to the celebrity news unit Celebriquiz, Colin's on course to win those tickets to see Erewash's second best Bucks Fizz tribute act Bicks Fuzz. Colin are you still with us?

Just about

OK. Colin next question to get you on the way. Amelia Lily from the X Factor has cancelled all pre-orders for her debut album this week. Is this because:

A - record label bosses fear it is so awful that playing it will open a portal to a hell dimension
B - Amelia has delayed the release to work on new material for it, or
C - it's at a pitch that's upsetting to dogs and other domestic pets, such as cats and rabbits

I'm pretty sure Gary Barlow's solo work opened a gateway to the netherworld, so it can't be that, ands it probably is upsetting for dogs but I don't know cats or rabbits would feel the same. I'll go with b, she's working on more material

Are you sure

Umm, yes. Pretty sure.

You're bang on! It was b. Ok one more question to go and those tickets could be yours. Colin if you won who would you take with you?

Probably ilkeston born actor Robert lindsay or his brother.

OK, well fingers crossed, good luck, here goes, final question. Pop singing lady Rita Ora is rumoured to be collaborating with which heartthrob singer and actor. Is it

A - Justin Timberlake
B - Nick Berry or
C - Dennis Waterman?

Er well I know Rita Ora is too orangey for crows but none of them is an actual crow, so that doesn't help. Nick Berry was in Heartbeat as well as being a heartthrob so I'll go with b again. Nick Berry.

Nick Berry?

Yep.

Colin. You're wrong it was A - Justin Timberlake. I'm so sorry. The tickets will roll over to next week when you'll also be able to compete for a bag of beef mince from a local butcher of your choice. So keep your wireless radio tuned to 96.8fm for Erewash Sound.

Celebrity news - Biebo's bucket'o'wee

Previously I’ve referred to Justin Bieber as the Canadian Chesney Hawkes. Following recent events I would like to apologise to Mr Hawkes for any hurt or distress this may have caused. This week a video of the Biebster was leaked onto the internet showing the teenage singer in a restaurant weeing into a bucket. This act demonstrates without doubt that comparisons with Mr Hawkes are unfair and unfounded, no matter what you thought of the film Buddy’s Song co-starring Roger Daltrey of The Who and Michael Elphick from off of Boon.

You may be sick to your back teeth of young Biebster and his antics, so you may not want to stick Selena Gomez's new song in your personal stereo. The track, titled Love Will Remember, begins with a voicemail Biebo left for Selena in which he calls her a princess. Unfortunately my copy got chewed up in the tape machine so I can't play you the actual message. From memory though it goes something like this:

Er hello princess? It's Justin Bieber here , famous singer and your on-off boy squeeze. Errrrrrrr, you doing anything tonight? You probably are but I've er got Ghostbusters II out on video and a massive pizza, they had a special offer on, do you want to come over? No problem if you don't. I mean I can always stick it back in the freezer. The pizza I mean, not the video, ha ha ha. Anyway errrr, yeah let me know. Byeee!

After hearing that you may be wondering, just what is the state of Justin and Selena's relationship? Well, celeb fans, they're back together (at the time of writing). The reunion is on the proviso that the young man behave himself. After all the leaked video also showed Biebo getting up to such reprehensible antics as swearing at a photo of former US president Bill Clinton and squirting cleaning fluid all over it. He's since begged Bill for his forgiveness.

Speaking of former commander in chief Bill.IAMS, last month some of Monica Lewinsky's clothes went up for online auction, giving us all a chance to air old jokes and perhaps splash out on her dress. Sadly reports seem to indicate that buyers weren't interested, with the auction site slightly misjudging the market, coming so close but no cigar.

Listen to Celebrity News every Friday morning at about 8am on Wake up with Erewash. www.erewashsound.com or 96.8fm. Follow @paulstaceyshow on twitters for more details.

Celebrity news - Filth hound

Actor and friend of Madonna, Rupert Everett has got into a bit of bother for doing some swearing when he appeared on TV's Loose Women. We here at the celebrity news unit are disgusted and extremely disappointed that he would use foul language that could upset delicate daytime TV viewers. Did he not think that I could have accidentally recorded Loose Women, in all innocence, and then accidentally shown it to a child? The fiend.


Of course, I didn’t actually see the show and I’m  not exactly sure what he said, but I’m still outraged to even think that it could be something as horrifying as (*&^&$%$!”£! or !@#%$ or even $^*!#@. Whatever he said, he’s a foul mouthed filth-hound and should be banished from this fair isle until he can manage some verbal restraint.

Friends of professional pop singer Olly Murs may be swearing after suggestions that the nicest man in music is too famous to go on a lads’ holiday with them. The cruel devil on my shoulder suggests that this is just a £@(&!^> excuse and the real reason he's not going is because he's fed up of all the laddish activities such as er crazy golf or whatever. Which is a £#(&!^> shame really.

Olly may or may not be too famous for a jolly boys’ outing, but is he famous enough to have his own waxwork at Madame Tussauds? (He might be. I’ve not checked.) Someone who is famous enough is the lovely Adele, the lady what done the last James Bond theme song. Adele’s waxy effigy was unveiled this week but the actual pop star was nowhere to be seen. Wild rumours have it that she didn’t attend because she’s on a lads’ holiday with Olly Murs’ mates. A spokesperson for someone tried to quash these rumours saying ‘of course she £@(&!^> isn't. What are you some kind of £@(&!^> idiot?’


Listen to Celebrity News every Friday morning at about 8am on Wake up with Erewash. www.erewashsound.com or 96.8fm. Follow @paulstaceyshow on twitters for more details.

Celebrity news - Robbie still loves you (probably)

Look it’s not you. You’re a great person, you really are. Everyone speaks highly of you. They really do.  It’s just…sometimes people need a bit of space. You know. And sometimes they’re willing to spend about £9 million for that bit of space. The fact that that bit of space is on an exclusive, private island, that you wouldn’t even get within swimming distance of without security turfing you off, is just a coincidence. Besides, Mick’s got a holiday home there as well. You know Mick, don’t you? Mick Jaggers from off of the Rolling Stones. Great guy. Lovely fella. They’re auctioning off bits of his hair. Really.

Anyway, what I’m really trying to say is, well, don’t take it personally. That especially goes for popular singing man Olly Murs. I’m sure it’s just a coincidence that, after Olly revealed he was looking forward to playing the football game FIFA 2013 with Robbie Williams, the former Take That star bought a holiday home on the exclusive island of Mustique. Just a coincidence.

And it’s just a coincidence that you keep seeing slimming ads on facebook. They’ve not got some little chap looking at you through a secret webcam, thinking ‘pfft, this chubster could do with saying no to seconds every now and again’, before sending you links to weight loss plans. It’s all like random or whatever, and quite possibly a bunch of bull shizzle.

You should be seeing a little less of those anyway. A diet company has just had its ads banned after making false claims. The claims include made up endorsements from Victoria ‘Posh Spices’ Beckham and award-winning singer Adele. Adele was meant to have said 'I lost 32kgs [sic] in four weeks with No Special Diet, No Intense Exercise!' For those not familiar with metric, 32kg is roughly the equivalent weight of around five decent-sized domestic cats.

If Adele hasn’t lost her weight through a bonkers, internet diet scam, then how else did she shift the pounds? It can’t have all dropped off through chasing pavements. Our made-up man with the webcam reckons Adele’s been limbering up with Robbie, saying ‘oh yeah they’re always at it. Rob’ll tell Olly he’s busy but really he’s taking on Adele at FIFA 2013. They’ve got their own Champions League and everything.'


That nice man Olly Murs may or may not get chance to play in Robbie and Adele's FIFA football league. But regardless of this he's still offered to babysit for Robbie when he goes on tour with him. I'm sure if you asked nicely, he'd babysit for you as well. Reasonable rates - just let him know how to work the telly box and show him where the biscuits are. He really is very nice.

Listen to Celebrity News every Friday morning at about 8am on Wake up with Erewash. www.erewashsound.com or 96.8fm. Follow @paulstaceyshow on twitters for more details.

Celebrity news - Mick Jagger's magic hair swagger

Are you stuck for a gift for someone? Then why not bid for a lock of Mick Jagger’s hair? The Rolling Stones frontman’s front curls are expected to fetch about £1,500 when they go up for auction next month. Sounds like an absolute bargain. Just think of all the things you could do with it, from starting your very own rock’n’roll hall of fame cloning programme to stuffing an extremely expensive pillow containing only celebrity hair. (Fingers crossed that Brian May’s trimmings come up for sale as well.)

Or perhaps you could get it as an unusual present to cheer up professional pop singer Olly Murs.

Olly recently took to the twitter to share this terrible news:

It's sad.. but basically 3 of my hangers broke today in my suitcase.. i'm actually proper gutted about it.. they were good ones!! #loser
— Olly Murs (@ollyofficial) June 17, 2013

How did his fans react? By trying to raise money for new hangers, or by just offering sympathy and understanding? No by desperate pleas for Olly to please, please, please follow them back or send them some sort of reply on twitter to authenticate their existence in his divine eyes.

Well kids I've got some inside news from a man in the know. (You know, that bloke who wanders around town furiously rewinding tapes on his personal stereo so he can listen to his favourite bit over and over again.) He reckons it's not even Olly doing the tweeting. It's actually 'J' from nineties boyband Five.J decided not to join his former bandmates on tour this year and is said to be concentrating on writing. What we didn't know till now was that he is ghostwriting Olly Murs's tweets. To what end we don't know, but our man with the Walkman is convinced that the smooth-headed J is saving up to bid on Mick Jagger’s hair.

J may have competition though in the form of The Voice judge and cat food manufacturer Will.IAMS. Mr IAMS has been saying things this week, like you know how about only 12 people bought the album by last year’s winner of The Voice? That’s the record label’s fault, that is. According to my sources in the cupboard, Mr IAMS has come up with an ingenious plan to shift more units. It all involves harnessing the power of Mick Jagger's magic hair swagger in a secret voodoo ritual. The hair will be mixed with Lady Gaga's fake fingernail, sold at auction earlier this month, and fed to last year's the Voice winner. Bonkers, you may cry, but when the sound of last year's winner chucking up a mixture of Jagger and Gaga clippings is released as a bonus track, you'll all be buying the album.

Listen to Celebrity News every Friday morning at about 8am on Wake up with Erewash. www.erewashsound.com or 96.8fm. Follow @paulstaceyshow on twitters for more details.

Celebrity news - All tan and no knickers

This month we’re celebrating the fifth anniversary of some mind shaking celebrity news. Cast your noggin back to 2008 and the revelation by TV’s Judith Chalmers that, while filming her holiday show, she never wore knickers. The announcement forced millions of viewers to reconsider the question ‘Wish you were here?’, with many deciding they were probably safer at home.

To mark the occasion Judith and other brilliantly bronzed celebs, including David Dickinson and Tom Daley, will take part in a series of spectacular sporting events, including a special runny race to be known as the walnut dash.

And young Tom Daley’s got even more reason to celebrate than just the knowledge that Judith Chalmers has enjoyed a light breeze in more places than most.

The buff diver has had his last day of school this week, sitting his final A-level exam.  Sources say the Olympian is now planning to make a proper career in television, following the unbridled success of Splash -the celebrity diving show.

My contacts in the hidden realm, beyond the forbidden forest and just off of the enchanted valley, say the aquatic acrobat will likely combine the passions of his mahogany mentors. So prepare to witness the boy wonder burst onto your box with Tom Daley’s Up Your Hatch. It’s a totally original concept in which Tom Daley goes through your loft hatch to find antiques to sell, so you can fund a holiday. It's the perfect mix of the antiques dealing of Dickinson and the travel talents of Chalmers, all in a super tanned package. Watch out for Tom lurking in your loft, eyeing up your heirlooms and looking on as you flog your trinkets.

In other holiday news, Harry Styles' mum has been on the twitter to deny that her One Direction son paid for her recent honeymoon. 'What a load of old twaddle!' she wrote. 'These 'sources' tell big fibs!' My sources in the spirit world agree and assure me they're not fibbing when they say that Harry's mum had a spot of help with the funds from Tom Daley. One unnamed source said, 'Tom had a rummage in Harry's mum's eaves and was delighted to pull out a couple of gems. After that, he was more than happy to lend a hand.'

Listen to Celebrity News every Friday morning at about 8am on Wake up with Erewash. www.erewashsound.com or 96.8fm. Follow @paulstaceyshow on twitters for more details.

Celebrity news - Posh Spices and the queen of darts

We here at the celebrity news unit are still waiting for David Beckham’s retirement card to make it round to us. We were going to stick with the standard ‘all the best’, with a little smiley face, but that was before we heard of his latest accolade. According to a tedious survey, David Beckham is the showbiz celeb most people would like to invite to afternoon tea. For this most prestigious of titles, the underpant salesman beat both Johnny Depp and the Duchess of Cambridge. Unfortunately, none of us are quite sure which one the Duchess of Cambridge is. It’s either Kate Middletons or Camilla, one of the two. I suppose if you think about it, it sounds most like Camilla, so we’ll go with that. Camilla probably only lost out to Becks because she’d be fidgeting during tea, moaning about the lack of pork scratchings and constantly repeating that there’s a decent place round the corner where you can get a proper pie and a pint.

The real question then, surely, is which royal consort would you like to invite on a narrowboat tour of real ale pubs? Let’s look at the runners. Phil’s getting on a bit and might embarrass you with one of his 'jokes', Sophie’s probably allergic to hops or something and Fergie would want to drag you into a wine bar that’s seen better days. Which, following our own in depth survey of ourselves, shows Camilla to be the clear winner. Truly she is the queen of darts.

This makes it even sadder that our Cams was beaten by yet another Beckham to yet another award this week. This time it was Mrs B. Yes, Victoria, better known to thousands as Posh Spices, was named Woman of the Decade at a magazine’s award ceremony. You may be shocked by the result but we’re absolutely sure that this conclusion was only reached after following a rigorous process. The judging panel almost definitely considered every woman on Earth, including your mum and your slightly eccentric aunty (you know, the one with the hair), and then had a good old think about their contribution to society over the past ten years. The kind of good old think that requires lots of cups of coffee, bags of doughnuts and endless gruelling all-nighters - a bit like when they choose a pope. And, when the metaphorical white smoke went up, the brave panel would have been one hundred per cent positive that nothing any woman has done this decade can possibly beat having once been in a popular girl band or having a mid-range perfume line named after you. Nothing!

Consider this, Burmese pro-democracy leader Aung San Suu Kyi may have risked the wrath of the military by declaring that she wants to run for president again, and Taylor Swift may have posted a picture of her cat looking bored on Twitter, but all this fades into insignificance in the face of Vicky Beckham. Yes it's truly a tough competition when not even Camilla’s alleged encyclopaedic knowledge of canal-side pubs is seen as a patch on Posh.

Listen to the spoken word version of this every Friday morning on Erewash Sound. Usually about 8am-ish. Check with @paulstaceyshow for details.

Celebrity news - Fizz free conspiracy?

One Direction’s personal chef has spilled the beans on the band’s favourite foods and it’s fascinating. Honestly. Contrary to what you may think, turkey dinosaur shapes and alphabetti spaghetti are nowhere to be found on the 1D menu. No, the boys have proper grown up food like sausage and mash, spicy chicken and Special K. The chef also revealed that there’s no booze supplied, adding that ‘they also drink more juices and water than fizzy drinks. Before they go onstage, they tend to have orange or apple juice, Capri-Suns or Rubicon.’

My contact in the night garden says, ‘these concerts often go on until just around bed time, so cola and other fizzy drinks are a no no. Harry once had half a Panda Pop at about six o’clock. He didn’t get to sleep until way past ten and ended up being over tired and grumpy the next day.’   One Direction’s disdain for alcohol and carbonated drinks may have had unfortunate repercussions. There may be no connection, I may be living in a land of make believe, but is it just a coincidence that a band named after a combination of the two, Bucks Fizz, has had a bit of bother getting work recently? Are people that desperate to please the fizzy drink fearing pop tots? Hear the evidence before you start making your mind up.   At the same time as the 1D boy's drink preferences were made public, Record breaker Cheryl Baker's celebrity cook off tour suffered severe set backs recently with all dates in June and July shelved with no explanation. A coincidence? Maybe, but it's a sad day when Eurovision legend Cheryl is short on work. I had a quick look up her twitter and found this tweet from her fair fingers -

 

Well, we may have just the gig for her. Maybe Cheryl can bring her cook off skills to help Renée Zellweger shove on a few stone for the third Bridget Jones movie. According to reports the latest installment will see Bridget “immersed in texting and social media” and, ohmygodstopthisislikesobrilliant, learning that it is never OK to text while drunk.   Other things that she'll learn include that it's never okay to pump evil pink slime into New York's sewers, trust evil spirits trapped inside seventeenth century paintings, animate the Statue of Liberty or cross the streams. Hang on that’s Ghostbusters II. No, forget everything I’ve just said. Bridget Jones 3 is going to be completely original and unlike anything you’ve ever read or seen before.

Listen to the spoken word version of this every Friday morning on Erewash Sound. Usually about 8am-ish. Check with @paulstaceyshow for details.

Celebrity news - More monkey business

What makes the celebrity news unit distinct from other showbiz news outlets, is our willingness to admit when we’ve got something wrong. Some weeks ago we brought you news that Justin Bieber’s monkey had been taken into custody by German officials because the chub-faced warbler hadn’t bothered to fill in the necessary paperwork. That much was true. We then suggested that Cheryl Cole had assembled a crack squad of celebrities, including Samuel L Jackson, Robert Downey Jr and Gwyneth Paltrow, to go on a secret monkey mission, with Lindsay Lohan using her guile and acting ability to pull off the final rescue. We were wrong. The lovely Cheryl Cole didn’t yank Biebster’s monkey away from the Germans, nor has young Justin responded to calls to pay a fine and repatriate his erstwhile pet. The monkey has now been adopted by his German keepers and will start a new life in Bavaria. We apologise for misleading you and hope you’ll find it in your heart to forgive us. In the meantime we’re ignoring reports we’ve made up that the abandoned primate is writing a book titled Unbeliebable: My Life as Justin Bieber’s Monkey. We’re also dubious about suggestions that comedy legend Tommy Cannon will be playing the monkey in the forthcoming screen adaptation. It’s more likely to be Matt Damon or someone like that. 

All this monkey business won't have impressed Taylor Swift much. She's already expressed concerns about bezzy mate Selena Gomez kickstarting her romance with the pint-sized Canadian crooner. Unnamed sources says she reckons Selena could do better than Bieber. And it's likely the monkey agrees. 

The monkey may also have an opinion on David Beckham's retirement from football possibly saying ooh ooh ha ha which is monkey language for 'that Becks seems like a great guy, I'd love to go into business with him. My monkey mates and I are always looking for novelty ways to store our fruit and I've heard he's hung up his boots to concentrate on selling banana hammocks. If he can find a way to cover our monkey nuts as well, I'll have my cheque book open faster than you can say ooh ooh oohh ha ha ha.'

Listen to the audio version go out on Erewash Sound (www.erewashsound.com) every Friday morning from 8am. 

Celebrity news - Dripping

Ilkeston's favourite actor, Ilkeston's very own, Ilkeston-born Robert Lindsay is said to have quit filming the second series of BBC Two's Line of Duty due to creative differences.  No word yet on what those creative differences may be. However, it may be down to Mester Lindsay improvising dialogue, calling everyone 'duck' and offering round his bag of tuffies at the end of each scene.
 
Speaking of sweeties. Are The Saturdays too nice for their own good? Rumours are that their TV show has been cancelled by the E! Entertainment channel in America because they don't do enough arguing. Well, according to thoughts I've been receiving through the ether, The Saturdays didn't even want to break America anyway because it's rubbish and it smells and it's really difficult to get a decent ploughman's lunch out there. And god forbid you get a craving for a scotch egg. No, The Saturdays are quite happy in Britain.

And so is Cliff Richard. The ever youthful Peter Cushing of pop is on a tour of stately homes around the country. So, take that America! Have you got bachelor boy Cliff Richard touring your country? No! And he's going to keep going. Sir Clifford has revealed that he's not retiring any time soon. But how does he stay looking so young? Is it all the tennis he plays, whacking balls back and forth? Has he got his very own rejuvenation chamber, imbued with the magickal knowledge of the ancients? Or does he do us all proud and stick to good old British products - rubbing pure British beef fat into his pores to retain his lustrous sheen? A source close to someone who knows my butcher says 'Cliff looks like he's never happier than when he has dripping all over his face.'

Listen to the spoken word version of this every Friday morning on Erewash Sound. Usually about 8am-ish. Check with @paulstaceyshow for details.

Swap your thoughts for goodies!!!

Collect bonus points to put towards a voucher of your choice*

Thoughts? Opinions? Everyone’s got some!! And you can use yours to collect hundreds of bonus points and treat yourself to something you’ve always wanted. The finest champagne, a relaxing spa day for two, the latest high-tech gadgets, or even a trip around the world!**

We here at world of yeah have teamed up with Hemlock International to bring you this unmissable opportunity.

Share your thoughts and start collecting bonus points right now!!

All you have to do is think away and let Hemlock’s BrainDrive™ record what’s going on in your noggin. Whether you’re making a sandwich, choosing an outfit, or eyeing up a colleague, you can earn yourself points, points, points!!

It couldn’t be simpler.

Groovy cranial probes hook up to your noodle, copy point-making thoughts direct to the BrainDrive™ and then transmit to Hemlock HQ. For every two thoughts sent to our chums at Hemlock you’ll earn one bonus point and be on your way to making your dreams come true.***

Join today for even more goodies!

Click here to sign up today and get five EXTRA bonus points and a FREE BrainDrive™ installation kit worth £99.****




Thoughts recorded by the BrainDrive™ become the property of Hemlock International Consumer Behavioural Surveillance Inc.

You have received this message because you have previously thought about special offers. We only share your details with really cool people who want to make your life better. If you would like to unsubscribe and miss out on our fantastic offer messages just click here. Unsubscriptions may be tracked for training and monitoring purposes.

* Voucher choice does not include alcohol, tobacco, creosote, entertainment (books, DVDs, blu-rays, VHS video cassettes, laserdiscs, CDs, vinyl, digital audio files, tapes or similar physical or metaphysical entertainment products), papal indulgences, exorcisms, event tickets, groceries, baby products, pet products, fuel, travel, stationery, stamps, rubber ducks, mouthwash, gaffer tape, string, moon rock, PVA glue, lottery tickets, computers, tablets, software, hardware, iPad covers, sporting memorabilia, tapas, towels, bed linen, linen baskets, Lynne and George cartoons, cookware, bakeware, underwear or clothing of any sort, greetings cards, mugs (novelty or otherwise), or material goods of any kind. Please note vouchers have no cash value and cannot be exchanged.

** Are not part of the voucher choice range

*** Terms and conditions apply

**** Not including postage and packaging £49.99*****

***** Not including admin fee £1.50.

Celebrity news - Pop star peace keepers

Voulez vous like to take a chance on a new museum that’s opened in Stockholm? If you’ve got the money, money, money to spend on a trip to Sweden, you could er be a dancing queen or er a man after midnight. Mamma mia, I have a dream that I’m recording celebrity news, going on and on and on, and struggling to shoehorn in as many song titles as I can into the opening sentences. Actually it’s less of a dream world and more of a nightmare. I wonder if you know what I’m talking about? More importantly, does your mother know?

Of course she does. I saw it in the mirror, and other newspapers. ABBA, Scandinavia’s biggest export after flatpack furniture, bleak crime drama and equine meatballs, have their very own museum. You can see a veritable shedload of ABBA related stuff, including costumes, interactive exhibitions and a helicopter. No idea what the helicopter’s about, maybe the Swedish super troupers helped evacuate Saigon in 1975. Or maybe they used it to feature in those adverts for brand new housing estates. I reckon that’s about right. I do, I do, I do, I do, I do.

I also reckon that we may have to re-think ABBA’s assertion that the winner takes it all. One glance into the showbiz abyss shows really famous boyband Union J pumping out PR faster than something really fast, like Sally Gunnel perhaps. Union J came fourth on one of those TV talent shows and have taken it upon themselves to be the peacemakers of the popworld. This week they’ve urged fellow chart botherers One Direction and The Wanted to end their feud. Rumours, that I’ve started, have it that next week the boys will be off to Pyongyang to persuade North Korea’s chief chubster, Kim Jong Wotsisface to like chill out or whatever. Good luck lads.  
And once Union J are done with the north they could nip south to Seoul to comfort Psy. The Gangnam Style and Gentleman rapper has been attacked on Twitter by Green Day's Billie Joe Thingy who called him the "herpes of music". Which is a little rash.

Hear this kind of thing go out on the actual radio, every Friday morning on Erewash Sound. www.erewashsound.com or 96.8fm locally.

Celebrity news - Wake up and smell the JLS

It’s the shock news of the year, enough to knock any other stories off the top spot. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, JLS is no more. Quick research by the Celebrity News Unit reveals that, contrary to popular belief, JLS does not stand for jobless subsidy and is not a benefit of any kind. It is in fact a boy band. Fans were stunned at the announced break-up, with one figment stating ‘I’m flabbergasted, gobsmacked, sick as a parrot. I thought they’d split ages ago.’ 

The announcement comes in the same week that Britney Spears was seen exiting a coffee shop with a cup of coffee. Experts at the imaginary Foundation for Celebrity Semiotics believe this is a coded message from the Britsper. A spokesperson said, ‘this is clearly Britney’s way of telling us to keep it real, to move on and accept the news about JLS; to wake up and, quite literally and metaphysically, smell the coffee.’

But still, it’s causing stirs and rumblings up the twitter, with celebrities from One Direction to the Saturdays all tweeting their two penn’orth. In fact one of the Saturdays (the pregnant one) is married to one of the JLSers (your guess is as good as mine), and announced that she was ‘V sad’. That one from the Saturdays has turned to food for comfort and posted a picture online of what some in the press are calling a fry-up. The Foundation for Celebrity Semiotics has analysed the picture and can reveal that even though she may indeed be ‘V sad’, the presence of bacon hints that it won’t be long before she and the rest of us are well over it.

Listen to Celebrity News every Friday morning at about 8am on Wake up with Erewash. www.erewashsound.com or 96.8fm. Follow @paulstaceyshow on twitters for more details.

Celebrity news - Experts predict which 1D boy to die first?

According to actual reports, Katy Perry has been dropped as the face of a brand of hair straighteners and all for not being famous enough. Katy's prepared to go to court to argue her case and we here at the Celebrity News Unit are happy to give her a head start.

Of course she’s famous enough, she’s er. . . used to be married to that bloke, you know and had that song that people liked. She’s . . . ok she’s no Su Pollard but she’s still famous and we love all her songs, even the rubbish ones. However, could Katy be wishing that she hadn’t scaled the dizzying heights of fame at all?

It’s official folks, or as official as these things can be, being famous can shave years off your life. That's according to dubious research floating its way to the top of the 'ready-made story bag'. Actors, singers, musicians, and dancers could all be heading to an earlier grave than counterparts in other walks of life. The experts at the Institute for Celebrity Mortality, or wherever they're from, claim it could be down to all the vices performers have. What with all the smoking, drinking and drugging that they do.

All this could be bad news for Harry Styles from off of One Direction. A Warwickshire-based celebrity mask manufacturer has revealed that Harry's mush is selling three times faster than those of the other 1D lads. The young pop scoundrel looks like he'd never touch a drug or a booze, but he could still be heading for that great stadium gig in the sky faster than his band mates. What if the scientists had got it wrong and something other than lifestyle was to blame?
Are there darker forces at work than fags, booze and poppers?

Is Harry playing chess with Death or is continuous touring an attempt to outrun a Final Destination–style fate? All of this has got us very worried here at the Celebrity News Unit and we urge young Harry to give it a rest, go into hiding for a bit, away from the spotlight. For your own sake, and for ours, stop man! Stop before it's too late. 

Listen to Celebrity News every Friday morning at about 8am on Wake up with Erewash. www.erewashsound.com or 96.8fm. Follow @paulstaceyshow on twitters for more details.

Celebrity news - Fizzy pop psychic pup

Celebrity person Jodie Marsh has stunned the world by announcing that she’d rather work at a supermarket than appear on television’s The Only Way is Essex. We’ve not been able to find out if this is because the supermarket pays more than TOWIE or not, but we’re sure she’d be a hit on the deli-counter and have started filling in an application form in her name. Fingers crossed Jodes!

Pop singer Beyoncé Knowles has allowed cameras behind the scenes of an advert she’s making for a popular fizzy drink. In the ad, Beyoncé does some dancing like she did in some famous music videos she’s done but this time instead of promoting her latest album she’s selling sugar water.

An outraged fan we’ve made up said ‘I’m disappointed in Ms Knowles, you’d never see her brother Nick hawking carbonated vegetable stock. He’s all about responding to people’s DIY woes. If she’s really that desperate for cash Nick could get her a few hours work as a plumber’s mate, fixing radiators and whatever.’

And if Beyoncé was worried about not being able to afford a gift for Miley Cyrus’s wedding she can breathe easy for a bit. Miley has announced she and her fiancée are postponing the big day, because they’re not ready yet. This should give Beyonce, Harry Styles, Su Pollard and the rest of the celebrity world time to save up for some vouchers or a nice set of table linen for the young couple.

We weren’t actually able to contact Miley direct for a quote, so instead we asked Stewart the psychic dog for his opinion. Touch your paws to his to find out more.

Listen to Celebrity News every Friday morning at about 8am on Wake up with Erewash. www.erewashsound.com or 96.8fm. Follow @paulstaceyshow on twitters for more details.