Celebrity news - Fizz free conspiracy?

One Direction’s personal chef has spilled the beans on the band’s favourite foods and it’s fascinating. Honestly. Contrary to what you may think, turkey dinosaur shapes and alphabetti spaghetti are nowhere to be found on the 1D menu. No, the boys have proper grown up food like sausage and mash, spicy chicken and Special K. The chef also revealed that there’s no booze supplied, adding that ‘they also drink more juices and water than fizzy drinks. Before they go onstage, they tend to have orange or apple juice, Capri-Suns or Rubicon.’

My contact in the night garden says, ‘these concerts often go on until just around bed time, so cola and other fizzy drinks are a no no. Harry once had half a Panda Pop at about six o’clock. He didn’t get to sleep until way past ten and ended up being over tired and grumpy the next day.’   One Direction’s disdain for alcohol and carbonated drinks may have had unfortunate repercussions. There may be no connection, I may be living in a land of make believe, but is it just a coincidence that a band named after a combination of the two, Bucks Fizz, has had a bit of bother getting work recently? Are people that desperate to please the fizzy drink fearing pop tots? Hear the evidence before you start making your mind up.   At the same time as the 1D boy's drink preferences were made public, Record breaker Cheryl Baker's celebrity cook off tour suffered severe set backs recently with all dates in June and July shelved with no explanation. A coincidence? Maybe, but it's a sad day when Eurovision legend Cheryl is short on work. I had a quick look up her twitter and found this tweet from her fair fingers -

 

Well, we may have just the gig for her. Maybe Cheryl can bring her cook off skills to help Renée Zellweger shove on a few stone for the third Bridget Jones movie. According to reports the latest installment will see Bridget “immersed in texting and social media” and, ohmygodstopthisislikesobrilliant, learning that it is never OK to text while drunk.   Other things that she'll learn include that it's never okay to pump evil pink slime into New York's sewers, trust evil spirits trapped inside seventeenth century paintings, animate the Statue of Liberty or cross the streams. Hang on that’s Ghostbusters II. No, forget everything I’ve just said. Bridget Jones 3 is going to be completely original and unlike anything you’ve ever read or seen before.

Listen to the spoken word version of this every Friday morning on Erewash Sound. Usually about 8am-ish. Check with @paulstaceyshow for details.

Celebrity news - More monkey business

What makes the celebrity news unit distinct from other showbiz news outlets, is our willingness to admit when we’ve got something wrong. Some weeks ago we brought you news that Justin Bieber’s monkey had been taken into custody by German officials because the chub-faced warbler hadn’t bothered to fill in the necessary paperwork. That much was true. We then suggested that Cheryl Cole had assembled a crack squad of celebrities, including Samuel L Jackson, Robert Downey Jr and Gwyneth Paltrow, to go on a secret monkey mission, with Lindsay Lohan using her guile and acting ability to pull off the final rescue. We were wrong. The lovely Cheryl Cole didn’t yank Biebster’s monkey away from the Germans, nor has young Justin responded to calls to pay a fine and repatriate his erstwhile pet. The monkey has now been adopted by his German keepers and will start a new life in Bavaria. We apologise for misleading you and hope you’ll find it in your heart to forgive us. In the meantime we’re ignoring reports we’ve made up that the abandoned primate is writing a book titled Unbeliebable: My Life as Justin Bieber’s Monkey. We’re also dubious about suggestions that comedy legend Tommy Cannon will be playing the monkey in the forthcoming screen adaptation. It’s more likely to be Matt Damon or someone like that. 

All this monkey business won't have impressed Taylor Swift much. She's already expressed concerns about bezzy mate Selena Gomez kickstarting her romance with the pint-sized Canadian crooner. Unnamed sources says she reckons Selena could do better than Bieber. And it's likely the monkey agrees. 

The monkey may also have an opinion on David Beckham's retirement from football possibly saying ooh ooh ha ha which is monkey language for 'that Becks seems like a great guy, I'd love to go into business with him. My monkey mates and I are always looking for novelty ways to store our fruit and I've heard he's hung up his boots to concentrate on selling banana hammocks. If he can find a way to cover our monkey nuts as well, I'll have my cheque book open faster than you can say ooh ooh oohh ha ha ha.'

Listen to the audio version go out on Erewash Sound (www.erewashsound.com) every Friday morning from 8am. 

Celebrity news - Dripping

Ilkeston's favourite actor, Ilkeston's very own, Ilkeston-born Robert Lindsay is said to have quit filming the second series of BBC Two's Line of Duty due to creative differences.  No word yet on what those creative differences may be. However, it may be down to Mester Lindsay improvising dialogue, calling everyone 'duck' and offering round his bag of tuffies at the end of each scene.
 
Speaking of sweeties. Are The Saturdays too nice for their own good? Rumours are that their TV show has been cancelled by the E! Entertainment channel in America because they don't do enough arguing. Well, according to thoughts I've been receiving through the ether, The Saturdays didn't even want to break America anyway because it's rubbish and it smells and it's really difficult to get a decent ploughman's lunch out there. And god forbid you get a craving for a scotch egg. No, The Saturdays are quite happy in Britain.

And so is Cliff Richard. The ever youthful Peter Cushing of pop is on a tour of stately homes around the country. So, take that America! Have you got bachelor boy Cliff Richard touring your country? No! And he's going to keep going. Sir Clifford has revealed that he's not retiring any time soon. But how does he stay looking so young? Is it all the tennis he plays, whacking balls back and forth? Has he got his very own rejuvenation chamber, imbued with the magickal knowledge of the ancients? Or does he do us all proud and stick to good old British products - rubbing pure British beef fat into his pores to retain his lustrous sheen? A source close to someone who knows my butcher says 'Cliff looks like he's never happier than when he has dripping all over his face.'

Listen to the spoken word version of this every Friday morning on Erewash Sound. Usually about 8am-ish. Check with @paulstaceyshow for details.

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Celebrity news - Pop star peace keepers

Voulez vous like to take a chance on a new museum that’s opened in Stockholm? If you’ve got the money, money, money to spend on a trip to Sweden, you could er be a dancing queen or er a man after midnight. Mamma mia, I have a dream that I’m recording celebrity news, going on and on and on, and struggling to shoehorn in as many song titles as I can into the opening sentences. Actually it’s less of a dream world and more of a nightmare. I wonder if you know what I’m talking about? More importantly, does your mother know?

Of course she does. I saw it in the mirror, and other newspapers. ABBA, Scandinavia’s biggest export after flatpack furniture, bleak crime drama and equine meatballs, have their very own museum. You can see a veritable shedload of ABBA related stuff, including costumes, interactive exhibitions and a helicopter. No idea what the helicopter’s about, maybe the Swedish super troupers helped evacuate Saigon in 1975. Or maybe they used it to feature in those adverts for brand new housing estates. I reckon that’s about right. I do, I do, I do, I do, I do.

I also reckon that we may have to re-think ABBA’s assertion that the winner takes it all. One glance into the showbiz abyss shows really famous boyband Union J pumping out PR faster than something really fast, like Sally Gunnel perhaps. Union J came fourth on one of those TV talent shows and have taken it upon themselves to be the peacemakers of the popworld. This week they’ve urged fellow chart botherers One Direction and The Wanted to end their feud. Rumours, that I’ve started, have it that next week the boys will be off to Pyongyang to persuade North Korea’s chief chubster, Kim Jong Wotsisface to like chill out or whatever. Good luck lads.  
And once Union J are done with the north they could nip south to Seoul to comfort Psy. The Gangnam Style and Gentleman rapper has been attacked on Twitter by Green Day's Billie Joe Thingy who called him the "herpes of music". Which is a little rash.

Hear this kind of thing go out on the actual radio, every Friday morning on Erewash Sound. www.erewashsound.com or 96.8fm locally.