Celebrity news - tough old cheese

 Figures released today show that an increasing number of news stories begin with the phrase figures released today. This comes just moments before the results of a pretend survey show that people who wear underwear make better partners, have great hair, shiny teeth and are ‘legends in the sack’. The survey, paid for by the fake Association of British Undercracker and Unmentionables Manufacturers, was completely unbiased and in no way an attempt to grab our headlines and provide some free advertising. It also seemed to ignore the very real story about Rita Ora who has stunned, and very nearly shaken the country to its very core, by admitting she sometimes buys bargain packs of pants. Ms Ora dons an elaborate disguise for her knock-down knicker-buying which involves wearing both a hoody and sunglasses.

The pop legend, most famous for [insert name of song here], may be being frugal so she can save some cash to see League Two relegation battlers Bristol Rovers and hang out with some celebrity chums.

Rovers’ Memorial Stadium is fast becoming the place for Hollywood A-listers to be seen. Frasier and Cheers star Kelsey Grammer blessed Bristol Rovers with his showbiz magic this Easter Monday as they lost 2-1 to Rochdale.

Mr Grammer, 59, is now the son in law of Rovers’ youth-team coach and former City striker Alan Walsh, 57. On the age difference between father and son-in-law, a mouse found behind the back of a friend’s fridge said, ‘it’s fine, it’s fine. Why would there be a problem? Honestly it’s fine.’

If watching Bristol Rovers edge closer to the Conference has whetted Frasier’s appetite for British sporting excellence he should get himself to Gloucestershire for some full on extreme cheese rolling. Cooper’s Hill near Brockworth is set to see the return of actual, real cheese after last year organisers used a foam version to address police concerns about public safety.

The ancient cheese rolling event, which stretches back through the very mists of times, all the way to ye actual Victorian times, has enthusiasts hurtle themselves down the hill chasing a ball of cheese. The official event stopped after 2009 saw around 15,000 turn up for the fromagey-fun, setting off fears about safety at the hill. The hardcore continued with last year’s unofficial event attracting 3,000 cheese freaks despite police warnings that organisers could face legal action.

This year things seem to have relaxed.Gloucestershire Police announced that "We don't have a stance on cheese-rolling […]. It's not a public event but we still have public order responsibilities and nothing will change in that regard from last year."

87 year old cheese maker Diana Smart has made a cheese for the cheese chasers to chase.  "It's just an ordinary double Gloucester but they wrap it well so it holds together and anyway it's a tough old cheese."

And while I admit this story has very little to do with celebrities I have heard, by putting my ear against a shell at the seaside, that Adele’s next single will be called ‘tough old cheese’. There, does that make you feel better?

Celeb news - No drugs please, we're American!

Nigella Lawson, once described by my cat as the female Gary Rhodes, has been refused entry to the US of America for admitting to having once taken some cocaines. America is a notoriously conservative country, frowning upon any illegal drug taking and barring anyone with even the memory of a narcotic experience from dirtying their hallowed shores. A spokesman for something or other said, ‘frankly my dear the land of the free is no place for people what do drugs, if we let even one drugger in then who knows what will happen, it may even encourage some of our own otherwise saintly celebrities to dabble in your cocaines and that’ll never do.’

Ilkeston’s very own Robert Lindsay, who used to live in Ilkeston, has been receiving rave reviews for his turn in the stage play Dirty Rotten Scoundrels. The Ilkeston actor admitted that he had never seen the original 1988 film starring Michael Caines from off of Zulu but . . . whoah hang on we’ve got some late breaking news . . .

Nigella Lawson, once described by my other cat as the female Keith Floyd, has now been offered the chance to apply for a working visa by the US Embassy. A spokesman for something or other said, ‘so she’s done a bit of the nose candies, so what, there’s no need to get your panties in a twist about it, besides she bakes a mean pastry and have you caught a look at her macaroons? They’re stupendous!’

Paul Stacey played an audio version of this on his radio show. You can listen to him every week day from 7am on Erewash Sound. 96.8fm or www.erewashsound.com.