Nigella Lawson, once described by my cat as the female Gary Rhodes, has been refused entry to the US of America for admitting to having once taken some cocaines. America is a notoriously conservative country, frowning upon any illegal drug taking and barring anyone with even the memory of a narcotic experience from dirtying their hallowed shores. A spokesman for something or other said, ‘frankly my dear the land of the free is no place for people what do drugs, if we let even one drugger in then who knows what will happen, it may even encourage some of our own otherwise saintly celebrities to dabble in your cocaines and that’ll never do.’
Ilkeston’s very own Robert Lindsay, who used to live in Ilkeston, has been receiving rave reviews for his turn in the stage play Dirty Rotten Scoundrels. The Ilkeston actor admitted that he had never seen the original 1988 film starring Michael Caines from off of Zulu but . . . whoah hang on we’ve got some late breaking news . . .
Nigella Lawson, once described by my other cat as the female Keith Floyd, has now been offered the chance to apply for a working visa by the US Embassy. A spokesman for something or other said, ‘so she’s done a bit of the nose candies, so what, there’s no need to get your panties in a twist about it, besides she bakes a mean pastry and have you caught a look at her macaroons? They’re stupendous!’
Paul Stacey played an audio version of this on his radio show. You can listen to him every week day from 7am on Erewash Sound. 96.8fm or www.erewashsound.com.
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