Unangenehm! As our German chums might say. Awkward! That's how professional president and top American Barack Obamas must feel as his German counterpart Angie Merkel rings to find out why the US is spying on her telephone. We spoke to one pretend spook on condition of anonymity who told us - 'There's nothing to worry about, it was meant to be a secret but I suppose you should know, President Obamas is really one of Santa's helpers. In fact everyone in the NSA has got a hotline to Father Christmas in the North Pole. We just wanted to listen in to find out what Angie really likes and make sure we got her the perfect present. Is that such a crime? Sheesh!'
Sheesh indeed. What could this perfect present be? One look at the sales charts on one popular online retailer may reveal a clue. Last week it was revealed that for the first time since internet records began Sir Cliff Richards is not the number one top selling celebrity calendar. No sirree Bob, it's his arch rivals the One Direction whose calendars are flying off the virtual shelves like actual hot cakes. Sir Clifford has soon put the shoe on the upper hand though as this week it's emerged that his mugs are selling faster than the ones by One Direction. Cliff's managed sales of 2000 for his mugs whereas the 1D boys have only managed 250 sales for theirs. Pfft!!
All these mugs and calendars can't just be for President Obama's mates, you might say. And you'd be abso-bloomin-lutely right. But where are they going? The trail leads us back to Germany where the Bishop of Bling Franz-Peter Tebartz-van Elst has been accused of spending about £26 million doing up his official residence. With that amount of cash he can afford to treat himself and, though the Vatican has yet to confirm it, the suspended bish may have dished out a fair few euros on Cliff Richards's mug with plenty leftover to splash on a One Direction calendar. Unangenehm indeed, you naughty bishop!
This was on the radio. Erewash Sound to be exact. Listen on 96.8fm or www.erewashsound.com.
Friday 25 October 2013
Friday 11 October 2013
Celebrity news - you don't even know nuffink
Pop singer Robin Thickie has startled fans with a blistering attack on the intellectual prowess of the Great British public. The pop star claims that Britons don't understand his song 'Blurred Lines'. We went out and spoke to a fictional member of the hard working British community who said, 'like Robin Thickie don't even know what he's talking about, he don't even know nuffink and like I heard his breath stink like a baboon done a poo in his mouth or somefink.'
Great Britain, who this week won a Nobel Prize or something, was keen to show off its clever clogs status some more. One of this proud nation's fine newspapers was cock-a-hoop with itself to have found a picture of nineties pop princess Mariah Carey in which you could see a bit of her bra. One made-up reader said, 'I've not been this excited since I found the lingerie section in my mum's mail order catalogue. On those blessed pages, you could see the whole of a lady's bra and have a good old think about maybe one day being able to have a bit of a cuddle with her. Ah happy days.'
Speaking of sweet things, in industrialised countries the average person consumes about 33.1kg of sugar per year. This is about the weight of a decent sized labrador and just isn't enough! No! And to help us scoff more of the sweetie goodness is person from the television Melanie Sykes. Ms Sykes has become the new face of a sugar company and with her help we can drive that average up to at least the weight of St Bernard or a small pony. So get off your behinds, get down to your local coffee shop, tear open some sachets and started pouring the stuff down your throats. Don't do it for yourself, don't even do it for me, do it for Melanie Sykes.
This was on the radio this morning. It was on Erewash Sound. Their website is www.erewashsound.com.
Great Britain, who this week won a Nobel Prize or something, was keen to show off its clever clogs status some more. One of this proud nation's fine newspapers was cock-a-hoop with itself to have found a picture of nineties pop princess Mariah Carey in which you could see a bit of her bra. One made-up reader said, 'I've not been this excited since I found the lingerie section in my mum's mail order catalogue. On those blessed pages, you could see the whole of a lady's bra and have a good old think about maybe one day being able to have a bit of a cuddle with her. Ah happy days.'
Speaking of sweet things, in industrialised countries the average person consumes about 33.1kg of sugar per year. This is about the weight of a decent sized labrador and just isn't enough! No! And to help us scoff more of the sweetie goodness is person from the television Melanie Sykes. Ms Sykes has become the new face of a sugar company and with her help we can drive that average up to at least the weight of St Bernard or a small pony. So get off your behinds, get down to your local coffee shop, tear open some sachets and started pouring the stuff down your throats. Don't do it for yourself, don't even do it for me, do it for Melanie Sykes.
This was on the radio this morning. It was on Erewash Sound. Their website is www.erewashsound.com.
Friday 4 October 2013
Celebrity news - spitting in your face
Wotsisface Bieber has narrowly missed having to spend time on the chain gang. It's been reported that he won't face arrest for allegedly spitting in the face of a neighbour in March. The Biebster, best known for abandoning his monkey in Germany, was said to have propelled the gobload after his neighbour confronted him for driving unbelievably recklessly. The police man person in America what done the thorough investigation into this said Biebo's actions were 'disproportionate and immature', but that there wasn't enough evidence that any criminal activity had taken place. Our zoological correspondent tracked down Justin Bieber's former monkey who had this to say 'ooooh, oooh ooh', which roughly translates as 'what a dick'.
The monkey was strangely silent on the subject of Helen Flanagan's hair colour. Ms Flanagan apparently used to be on Coronation Street and at one time had blonde hair and then she didn't have blonde hair and now she does have blonde hair and everything is all right with the world.
Gary Barlows from off of Take That has kinda got blonde hair. He's also kinda going to be on Coronation Street. Posters for his real album will be pasted onto fake billboards to be shown on the long running itv+1 soap opera programme. We asked Ilkeston's number one Les Dennis impersonator, what fan favourite Mavis Wilton would say about all this, to which he replied 'I don't really know', which is no help at all, honestly!
The sound audio version of this went out on the radio on Erewash Sound. They have a website. It is www.erewashsound.com.
The monkey was strangely silent on the subject of Helen Flanagan's hair colour. Ms Flanagan apparently used to be on Coronation Street and at one time had blonde hair and then she didn't have blonde hair and now she does have blonde hair and everything is all right with the world.
Gary Barlows from off of Take That has kinda got blonde hair. He's also kinda going to be on Coronation Street. Posters for his real album will be pasted onto fake billboards to be shown on the long running itv+1 soap opera programme. We asked Ilkeston's number one Les Dennis impersonator, what fan favourite Mavis Wilton would say about all this, to which he replied 'I don't really know', which is no help at all, honestly!
The sound audio version of this went out on the radio on Erewash Sound. They have a website. It is www.erewashsound.com.
Thursday 3 October 2013
Celeb news - birds of a winslet
Kate Winslet has announced she won't be taking the surname of her husband Ned Rocknroll
According to our stupid made up names correspondent Orson Cart, she may be considering alternative surnames to better express her own unique, special individuality and has narrowed these down to either Kate Shakenvac, Kate Pickmmix or Kate Mygodwhatkindofegotisticalidiotcallshimselfrocknrollanywaynstuff.
Speaking of names that people are called. That bloke from TV's call centre show is called Nev. He and his crazy gang of wacky call centre workers are to release a single in a bid to make Christmas number one. Could it be about how you don't have to be mad to work there, but it helps? Or could it be a three minute apology for how the company he and his maaaaaaaaad minions work for were fined £225,000 in June for making thousands of nuisance calls? We tried ringing our contact in the land of far far away who informed us that they were having dinner and if we didn't stop bothering them they'd ram the bleeping phone right up our bleep.
You may ask where this leaves Linda Robson, Pauline Quirke and Lesley Joseph. It'd be a strange thing to ask but I'll answer anyway. They're making a new series of birds of a feather to be shown on Itv. So that's nice.
According to our stupid made up names correspondent Orson Cart, she may be considering alternative surnames to better express her own unique, special individuality and has narrowed these down to either Kate Shakenvac, Kate Pickmmix or Kate Mygodwhatkindofegotisticalidiotcallshimselfrocknrollanywaynstuff.
Speaking of names that people are called. That bloke from TV's call centre show is called Nev. He and his crazy gang of wacky call centre workers are to release a single in a bid to make Christmas number one. Could it be about how you don't have to be mad to work there, but it helps? Or could it be a three minute apology for how the company he and his maaaaaaaaad minions work for were fined £225,000 in June for making thousands of nuisance calls? We tried ringing our contact in the land of far far away who informed us that they were having dinner and if we didn't stop bothering them they'd ram the bleeping phone right up our bleep.
You may ask where this leaves Linda Robson, Pauline Quirke and Lesley Joseph. It'd be a strange thing to ask but I'll answer anyway. They're making a new series of birds of a feather to be shown on Itv. So that's nice.
Celeb news - truck fest
According to a poster in the chippy, this year's Truck Fest at Newark Showground featured an appearance by former Eastenders star Michelle Collins. A spokesperson for the ghost of Herbie the love bug has rushed to quash rumours that Michelle was only there due to her belief that Transformers is based on a true story. 'Mich just loves trucks and trucking, she's not trying to trick Optimus Prime into revealing himself so she can steal his alien robot weaponry and try to take over the world. Such an assertion is ridiculous and I'd thank you for not bringing the matter up again.'
The transforming submarine car from James Bond movie The Spy Who Loved Me has been sold at auction for half a million pounds this week. The white Lotus Esprit was used by Roger Moore’s 007 to charm ladies and save the day but could it be used for evil rather than good? Could this be a rival bid for super villain status? Is it perhaps time for Justin Bieber’s monkey to emerge from his hollowed out volcano in the middle of rural Germany to wreak his revenge on the world of pop? We contacted the simian fiend and were given this inconclusive statement ‘ooh ooh ah ah.’
Villainy aside it’s been a week for celebrating heroes with Rylan Clark named spectacle wearer of the year by a high-street chain of opticians. Rylan is best known for something or other [look this one up] and the award marks a high point in his career. A quick glance at the crystal ball I picked up at the local hospice shop reveals that news anchor Jon Snow is expected to run away with next week’s sock wearer of the year, while his colleague, the erstwhile Newsbeat presenter Krishnan Guru-Murthy, will take away the gong for loveliest eyebrows in a supporting role.
The transforming submarine car from James Bond movie The Spy Who Loved Me has been sold at auction for half a million pounds this week. The white Lotus Esprit was used by Roger Moore’s 007 to charm ladies and save the day but could it be used for evil rather than good? Could this be a rival bid for super villain status? Is it perhaps time for Justin Bieber’s monkey to emerge from his hollowed out volcano in the middle of rural Germany to wreak his revenge on the world of pop? We contacted the simian fiend and were given this inconclusive statement ‘ooh ooh ah ah.’
Villainy aside it’s been a week for celebrating heroes with Rylan Clark named spectacle wearer of the year by a high-street chain of opticians. Rylan is best known for something or other [look this one up] and the award marks a high point in his career. A quick glance at the crystal ball I picked up at the local hospice shop reveals that news anchor Jon Snow is expected to run away with next week’s sock wearer of the year, while his colleague, the erstwhile Newsbeat presenter Krishnan Guru-Murthy, will take away the gong for loveliest eyebrows in a supporting role.
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