Celebrity news - Wake up and smell the JLS

It’s the shock news of the year, enough to knock any other stories off the top spot. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, JLS is no more. Quick research by the Celebrity News Unit reveals that, contrary to popular belief, JLS does not stand for jobless subsidy and is not a benefit of any kind. It is in fact a boy band. Fans were stunned at the announced break-up, with one figment stating ‘I’m flabbergasted, gobsmacked, sick as a parrot. I thought they’d split ages ago.’ 

The announcement comes in the same week that Britney Spears was seen exiting a coffee shop with a cup of coffee. Experts at the imaginary Foundation for Celebrity Semiotics believe this is a coded message from the Britsper. A spokesperson said, ‘this is clearly Britney’s way of telling us to keep it real, to move on and accept the news about JLS; to wake up and, quite literally and metaphysically, smell the coffee.’

But still, it’s causing stirs and rumblings up the twitter, with celebrities from One Direction to the Saturdays all tweeting their two penn’orth. In fact one of the Saturdays (the pregnant one) is married to one of the JLSers (your guess is as good as mine), and announced that she was ‘V sad’. That one from the Saturdays has turned to food for comfort and posted a picture online of what some in the press are calling a fry-up. The Foundation for Celebrity Semiotics has analysed the picture and can reveal that even though she may indeed be ‘V sad’, the presence of bacon hints that it won’t be long before she and the rest of us are well over it.

Listen to Celebrity News every Friday morning at about 8am on Wake up with Erewash. www.erewashsound.com or 96.8fm. Follow @paulstaceyshow on twitters for more details.

Celebrity news - Experts predict which 1D boy to die first?

According to actual reports, Katy Perry has been dropped as the face of a brand of hair straighteners and all for not being famous enough. Katy's prepared to go to court to argue her case and we here at the Celebrity News Unit are happy to give her a head start.

Of course she’s famous enough, she’s er. . . used to be married to that bloke, you know and had that song that people liked. She’s . . . ok she’s no Su Pollard but she’s still famous and we love all her songs, even the rubbish ones. However, could Katy be wishing that she hadn’t scaled the dizzying heights of fame at all?

It’s official folks, or as official as these things can be, being famous can shave years off your life. That's according to dubious research floating its way to the top of the 'ready-made story bag'. Actors, singers, musicians, and dancers could all be heading to an earlier grave than counterparts in other walks of life. The experts at the Institute for Celebrity Mortality, or wherever they're from, claim it could be down to all the vices performers have. What with all the smoking, drinking and drugging that they do.

All this could be bad news for Harry Styles from off of One Direction. A Warwickshire-based celebrity mask manufacturer has revealed that Harry's mush is selling three times faster than those of the other 1D lads. The young pop scoundrel looks like he'd never touch a drug or a booze, but he could still be heading for that great stadium gig in the sky faster than his band mates. What if the scientists had got it wrong and something other than lifestyle was to blame?
Are there darker forces at work than fags, booze and poppers?

Is Harry playing chess with Death or is continuous touring an attempt to outrun a Final Destination–style fate? All of this has got us very worried here at the Celebrity News Unit and we urge young Harry to give it a rest, go into hiding for a bit, away from the spotlight. For your own sake, and for ours, stop man! Stop before it's too late. 

Listen to Celebrity News every Friday morning at about 8am on Wake up with Erewash. www.erewashsound.com or 96.8fm. Follow @paulstaceyshow on twitters for more details.

Celebrity news - Fizzy pop psychic pup

Celebrity person Jodie Marsh has stunned the world by announcing that she’d rather work at a supermarket than appear on television’s The Only Way is Essex. We’ve not been able to find out if this is because the supermarket pays more than TOWIE or not, but we’re sure she’d be a hit on the deli-counter and have started filling in an application form in her name. Fingers crossed Jodes!

Pop singer Beyoncé Knowles has allowed cameras behind the scenes of an advert she’s making for a popular fizzy drink. In the ad, Beyoncé does some dancing like she did in some famous music videos she’s done but this time instead of promoting her latest album she’s selling sugar water.

An outraged fan we’ve made up said ‘I’m disappointed in Ms Knowles, you’d never see her brother Nick hawking carbonated vegetable stock. He’s all about responding to people’s DIY woes. If she’s really that desperate for cash Nick could get her a few hours work as a plumber’s mate, fixing radiators and whatever.’

And if Beyoncé was worried about not being able to afford a gift for Miley Cyrus’s wedding she can breathe easy for a bit. Miley has announced she and her fiancée are postponing the big day, because they’re not ready yet. This should give Beyonce, Harry Styles, Su Pollard and the rest of the celebrity world time to save up for some vouchers or a nice set of table linen for the young couple.

We weren’t actually able to contact Miley direct for a quote, so instead we asked Stewart the psychic dog for his opinion. Touch your paws to his to find out more.

Listen to Celebrity News every Friday morning at about 8am on Wake up with Erewash. www.erewashsound.com or 96.8fm. Follow @paulstaceyshow on twitters for more details.

Tonight's telly - A History of Marmalade

Don't miss
A History of Marmalade - PlusFive 8pm
From its deepest, darkest Peruvian origins to today, marmalade has been the breakfast preserve of choice for billions. In part three of this fascinating series, Robson Green gets exclusive access to the Kremlin archives and comes face to face with the jar of homemade shredless that Winston Churchill gave to Stalin at Yalta. Green's history is also a touching personal journey of discovery as he follows his grandmother's own recipe to present his very own marmalade gift to Russian President Vladimir Putin at a gala brunch in Moscow.

Film Pick
Ooh Get Carrter! (2011) - MovieHub 9pm
Remake starring Alan 'the Chatting Man' Carr as Michael Caine. (12A) Contains mild peril and innuendo.

Best of the rest
TB Confirmed - Bygones 7.30pm
Fans of Call the Midwife will love this medical drama set in the olden days, when you could leave your door unlocked with not a care in the world. Nottinghamshire lace miner Mortimer Hole (Robert Lindsay) develops a hacking cough and worries for the fate of the badger he nursed back to health with long-term fiancee, Joyce Burton (Michele Dotrice). Dashing Doctor Tom Lenton (Arthur Darvill) makes a shock diagnosis that could ruin Mortimer and Joyce's plans for a summer wedding.

Celebrity News - Munich Monkey Rescue!

Jessie J has hit back at critics who say she’s not very good on TV’s The Voice. No one at the World of Yeah Celebrity News Unit has actually seen The Voice, but we’re sure she’s doing a sterling job and as long she’s trying her best that’s all that matters. And if things get that bad she could always join Cheryl Cole, who’s jetted off to your United States of America, (which is somewhere between Mexico and Canada). 

But why?! Why has Cheryl Cole gone to America? Is she hoping to crack the billboard 100 musical charts or land a part in season 4 of Game of Thrones? Is she the new host of Man vs. Food? Or is she, as we here at the Celeb News Unit believe, assembling an all-star showbiz team to rescue Justin Bieber’s monkey?

The Canadian Chesney Hawkes flew the monkey to Germany on a private jet, but failed to get the correct papers. Now the Biebster’s simian pet is being held at an animal shelter in Munich, with freedom far from the grasp of his little monkey paws, hoping that a Geordie superstar will pull off the most daring prison break of the twenty-first century.

Cheryl Cole’s showbiz rescue squad will probably be bankrolled by Harry Styles, and his One Direction mates, who this week were said to be the UK’s wealthiest boy band. 

American actress Lindsay Lohans, who fooled the world on the 1st of April by doing a joke that she was pregnant, will be on the team to provide distraction. Lindsay will go to the animal shelter desk, claim to be the monkey’s uncle and kick up a Hollywood-sized fuss all up in their Bavarian faces. Cheryl, along with Robert Downey Junior, Scarlett Johansson and Samuel L Jackson, will suit up, fly in and grab the monkey. The monkey will then be whisked away to Norway to rendezvous with an anxious Biebo. Of course, the handover will only take place after Cheryl has given young Justin a good talking to about how being a grown up means learning to take responsibility not only for yourself, but for those who depend on you, including your monkey.

Listen to Celebrity News every Friday morning at about 8am on Wake up with Erewash. www.erewashsound.com or 96.8fm. Follow @paulstaceyshow on twitters for more details.

 

The internet reviews: The Great Gatsby

* rubish

This book is rubish. It should be called the Rubish Gatsby. If I cud giv it no stars I wud. The main caracter just has party's and live on an egg or something. It might be a magic egg but it is boring magic. Aparently they make a film about it but they dint even show the magic egg cos it was too eggspensiv!!! The film is probly even worse than the book. Also there r no woman with top off or cats doing lol things. Dont waist ur time.

Review by The Internet.