Celebrity news - Robbie still loves you (probably)

Look it’s not you. You’re a great person, you really are. Everyone speaks highly of you. They really do.  It’s just…sometimes people need a bit of space. You know. And sometimes they’re willing to spend about £9 million for that bit of space. The fact that that bit of space is on an exclusive, private island, that you wouldn’t even get within swimming distance of without security turfing you off, is just a coincidence. Besides, Mick’s got a holiday home there as well. You know Mick, don’t you? Mick Jaggers from off of the Rolling Stones. Great guy. Lovely fella. They’re auctioning off bits of his hair. Really.

Anyway, what I’m really trying to say is, well, don’t take it personally. That especially goes for popular singing man Olly Murs. I’m sure it’s just a coincidence that, after Olly revealed he was looking forward to playing the football game FIFA 2013 with Robbie Williams, the former Take That star bought a holiday home on the exclusive island of Mustique. Just a coincidence.

And it’s just a coincidence that you keep seeing slimming ads on facebook. They’ve not got some little chap looking at you through a secret webcam, thinking ‘pfft, this chubster could do with saying no to seconds every now and again’, before sending you links to weight loss plans. It’s all like random or whatever, and quite possibly a bunch of bull shizzle.

You should be seeing a little less of those anyway. A diet company has just had its ads banned after making false claims. The claims include made up endorsements from Victoria ‘Posh Spices’ Beckham and award-winning singer Adele. Adele was meant to have said 'I lost 32kgs [sic] in four weeks with No Special Diet, No Intense Exercise!' For those not familiar with metric, 32kg is roughly the equivalent weight of around five decent-sized domestic cats.

If Adele hasn’t lost her weight through a bonkers, internet diet scam, then how else did she shift the pounds? It can’t have all dropped off through chasing pavements. Our made-up man with the webcam reckons Adele’s been limbering up with Robbie, saying ‘oh yeah they’re always at it. Rob’ll tell Olly he’s busy but really he’s taking on Adele at FIFA 2013. They’ve got their own Champions League and everything.'


That nice man Olly Murs may or may not get chance to play in Robbie and Adele's FIFA football league. But regardless of this he's still offered to babysit for Robbie when he goes on tour with him. I'm sure if you asked nicely, he'd babysit for you as well. Reasonable rates - just let him know how to work the telly box and show him where the biscuits are. He really is very nice.

Listen to Celebrity News every Friday morning at about 8am on Wake up with Erewash. www.erewashsound.com or 96.8fm. Follow @paulstaceyshow on twitters for more details.

Celebrity news - Mick Jagger's magic hair swagger

Are you stuck for a gift for someone? Then why not bid for a lock of Mick Jagger’s hair? The Rolling Stones frontman’s front curls are expected to fetch about £1,500 when they go up for auction next month. Sounds like an absolute bargain. Just think of all the things you could do with it, from starting your very own rock’n’roll hall of fame cloning programme to stuffing an extremely expensive pillow containing only celebrity hair. (Fingers crossed that Brian May’s trimmings come up for sale as well.)

Or perhaps you could get it as an unusual present to cheer up professional pop singer Olly Murs.

Olly recently took to the twitter to share this terrible news:

It's sad.. but basically 3 of my hangers broke today in my suitcase.. i'm actually proper gutted about it.. they were good ones!! #loser
— Olly Murs (@ollyofficial) June 17, 2013

How did his fans react? By trying to raise money for new hangers, or by just offering sympathy and understanding? No by desperate pleas for Olly to please, please, please follow them back or send them some sort of reply on twitter to authenticate their existence in his divine eyes.

Well kids I've got some inside news from a man in the know. (You know, that bloke who wanders around town furiously rewinding tapes on his personal stereo so he can listen to his favourite bit over and over again.) He reckons it's not even Olly doing the tweeting. It's actually 'J' from nineties boyband Five.J decided not to join his former bandmates on tour this year and is said to be concentrating on writing. What we didn't know till now was that he is ghostwriting Olly Murs's tweets. To what end we don't know, but our man with the Walkman is convinced that the smooth-headed J is saving up to bid on Mick Jagger’s hair.

J may have competition though in the form of The Voice judge and cat food manufacturer Will.IAMS. Mr IAMS has been saying things this week, like you know how about only 12 people bought the album by last year’s winner of The Voice? That’s the record label’s fault, that is. According to my sources in the cupboard, Mr IAMS has come up with an ingenious plan to shift more units. It all involves harnessing the power of Mick Jagger's magic hair swagger in a secret voodoo ritual. The hair will be mixed with Lady Gaga's fake fingernail, sold at auction earlier this month, and fed to last year's the Voice winner. Bonkers, you may cry, but when the sound of last year's winner chucking up a mixture of Jagger and Gaga clippings is released as a bonus track, you'll all be buying the album.

Listen to Celebrity News every Friday morning at about 8am on Wake up with Erewash. www.erewashsound.com or 96.8fm. Follow @paulstaceyshow on twitters for more details.

Celebrity news - All tan and no knickers

This month we’re celebrating the fifth anniversary of some mind shaking celebrity news. Cast your noggin back to 2008 and the revelation by TV’s Judith Chalmers that, while filming her holiday show, she never wore knickers. The announcement forced millions of viewers to reconsider the question ‘Wish you were here?’, with many deciding they were probably safer at home.

To mark the occasion Judith and other brilliantly bronzed celebs, including David Dickinson and Tom Daley, will take part in a series of spectacular sporting events, including a special runny race to be known as the walnut dash.

And young Tom Daley’s got even more reason to celebrate than just the knowledge that Judith Chalmers has enjoyed a light breeze in more places than most.

The buff diver has had his last day of school this week, sitting his final A-level exam.  Sources say the Olympian is now planning to make a proper career in television, following the unbridled success of Splash -the celebrity diving show.

My contacts in the hidden realm, beyond the forbidden forest and just off of the enchanted valley, say the aquatic acrobat will likely combine the passions of his mahogany mentors. So prepare to witness the boy wonder burst onto your box with Tom Daley’s Up Your Hatch. It’s a totally original concept in which Tom Daley goes through your loft hatch to find antiques to sell, so you can fund a holiday. It's the perfect mix of the antiques dealing of Dickinson and the travel talents of Chalmers, all in a super tanned package. Watch out for Tom lurking in your loft, eyeing up your heirlooms and looking on as you flog your trinkets.

In other holiday news, Harry Styles' mum has been on the twitter to deny that her One Direction son paid for her recent honeymoon. 'What a load of old twaddle!' she wrote. 'These 'sources' tell big fibs!' My sources in the spirit world agree and assure me they're not fibbing when they say that Harry's mum had a spot of help with the funds from Tom Daley. One unnamed source said, 'Tom had a rummage in Harry's mum's eaves and was delighted to pull out a couple of gems. After that, he was more than happy to lend a hand.'

Listen to Celebrity News every Friday morning at about 8am on Wake up with Erewash. www.erewashsound.com or 96.8fm. Follow @paulstaceyshow on twitters for more details.

Celebrity news - Posh Spices and the queen of darts

We here at the celebrity news unit are still waiting for David Beckham’s retirement card to make it round to us. We were going to stick with the standard ‘all the best’, with a little smiley face, but that was before we heard of his latest accolade. According to a tedious survey, David Beckham is the showbiz celeb most people would like to invite to afternoon tea. For this most prestigious of titles, the underpant salesman beat both Johnny Depp and the Duchess of Cambridge. Unfortunately, none of us are quite sure which one the Duchess of Cambridge is. It’s either Kate Middletons or Camilla, one of the two. I suppose if you think about it, it sounds most like Camilla, so we’ll go with that. Camilla probably only lost out to Becks because she’d be fidgeting during tea, moaning about the lack of pork scratchings and constantly repeating that there’s a decent place round the corner where you can get a proper pie and a pint.

The real question then, surely, is which royal consort would you like to invite on a narrowboat tour of real ale pubs? Let’s look at the runners. Phil’s getting on a bit and might embarrass you with one of his 'jokes', Sophie’s probably allergic to hops or something and Fergie would want to drag you into a wine bar that’s seen better days. Which, following our own in depth survey of ourselves, shows Camilla to be the clear winner. Truly she is the queen of darts.

This makes it even sadder that our Cams was beaten by yet another Beckham to yet another award this week. This time it was Mrs B. Yes, Victoria, better known to thousands as Posh Spices, was named Woman of the Decade at a magazine’s award ceremony. You may be shocked by the result but we’re absolutely sure that this conclusion was only reached after following a rigorous process. The judging panel almost definitely considered every woman on Earth, including your mum and your slightly eccentric aunty (you know, the one with the hair), and then had a good old think about their contribution to society over the past ten years. The kind of good old think that requires lots of cups of coffee, bags of doughnuts and endless gruelling all-nighters - a bit like when they choose a pope. And, when the metaphorical white smoke went up, the brave panel would have been one hundred per cent positive that nothing any woman has done this decade can possibly beat having once been in a popular girl band or having a mid-range perfume line named after you. Nothing!

Consider this, Burmese pro-democracy leader Aung San Suu Kyi may have risked the wrath of the military by declaring that she wants to run for president again, and Taylor Swift may have posted a picture of her cat looking bored on Twitter, but all this fades into insignificance in the face of Vicky Beckham. Yes it's truly a tough competition when not even Camilla’s alleged encyclopaedic knowledge of canal-side pubs is seen as a patch on Posh.

Listen to the spoken word version of this every Friday morning on Erewash Sound. Usually about 8am-ish. Check with @paulstaceyshow for details.