We here at the celebrity news unit are still waiting for David Beckham’s retirement card to make it round to us. We were going to stick with the standard ‘all the best’, with a little smiley face, but that was before we heard of his latest accolade. According to a tedious survey, David Beckham is the showbiz celeb most people would like to invite to afternoon tea. For this most prestigious of titles, the underpant salesman beat both Johnny Depp and the Duchess of Cambridge. Unfortunately, none of us are quite sure which one the Duchess of Cambridge is. It’s either Kate Middletons or Camilla, one of the two. I suppose if you think about it, it sounds most like Camilla, so we’ll go with that. Camilla probably only lost out to Becks because she’d be fidgeting during tea, moaning about the lack of pork scratchings and constantly repeating that there’s a decent place round the corner where you can get a proper pie and a pint.
The real question then, surely, is which royal consort would you like to invite on a narrowboat tour of real ale pubs? Let’s look at the runners. Phil’s getting on a bit and might embarrass you with one of his 'jokes', Sophie’s probably allergic to hops or something and Fergie would want to drag you into a wine bar that’s seen better days. Which, following our own in depth survey of ourselves, shows Camilla to be the clear winner. Truly she is the queen of darts.
This makes it even sadder that our Cams was beaten by yet another Beckham to yet another award this week. This time it was Mrs B. Yes, Victoria, better known to thousands as Posh Spices, was named Woman of the Decade at a magazine’s award ceremony. You may be shocked by the result but we’re absolutely sure that this conclusion was only reached after following a rigorous process. The judging panel almost definitely considered every woman on Earth, including your mum and your slightly eccentric aunty (you know, the one with the hair), and then had a good old think about their contribution to society over the past ten years. The kind of good old think that requires lots of cups of coffee, bags of doughnuts and endless gruelling all-nighters - a bit like when they choose a pope. And, when the metaphorical white smoke went up, the brave panel would have been one hundred per cent positive that nothing any woman has done this decade can possibly beat having once been in a popular girl band or having a mid-range perfume line named after you. Nothing!
Consider this, Burmese pro-democracy leader Aung San Suu Kyi may have risked the wrath of the military by declaring that she wants to run for president again, and Taylor Swift may have posted a picture of her cat looking bored on Twitter, but all this fades into insignificance in the face of Vicky Beckham. Yes it's truly a tough competition when not even Camilla’s alleged encyclopaedic knowledge of canal-side pubs is seen as a patch on Posh.
Listen to the spoken word version of this every Friday morning on Erewash Sound. Usually about 8am-ish. Check with @paulstaceyshow for details.
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