Celeb news - I will be back in time for a nice cup of tea

What's your favourite movie quote from a film? Well, come on then. Out with it. If you've not had chance to think then how about looking at what a recent poll says. They went through all your obvious ones, like 007's 'my name is James. James Bonds'. Or that one from Mary Poppins, 'G'day Mary Poppins'. Or the one from Jaws. 'Aaaargh it's a massive shark and I think it's going to bite my leg or something.' But the one they settled on was by California's own Arnold Schwarzenegger from his famous film The Terminators. You know the one, where he's a robot man from the future who knocks on doors asking people if they know Tom O'Connor and promises that he'll return in a bit saying 'I will be back'. Classic Arnie.

And if acting awards could speak, one that was once given to Nottingham's Su Pollard may very well have said 'I will be back.' Super Su was given an award back in 1966 but somehow the trophy was lost and ended up stuck in a cupboard for decades. But just like Arnie the award came back and was presented once more to Su at Glade Hill Primary School in Bestwood Park. And if you want to spend your internet minutes on something else there's an online web video of Su giving the award a good ol' kiss. Mwah!

Someone who doesn't even need to say 'I will be back' is Canadian teen singing sensation Justin Biebers. The superstar sproglet was rumoured this week to be retiring from showbiz. But it was just a rumour and we can all look forward to his new album which, according to sources at the back of my cupboard, will be called 'The Sound of Beige'. Tracks may include such wonders as 'All Fields (I remember when)', 'It's Slipper Time', and the more saucy number 'Walk in Bath for Two'. Order now and Michael Parkinson will even throw in a free Parkers Pen. Perhaps.

Celeb news - Rude Boy Rouhani

Justin Bieber teased his new video this week but the cherub-faced Canadian child star has got some competition on his hands in the form of Hassan Rouhani. The Iranian President can be seen online, on your actual internet, in a music video featuring his endorsement speech from August set to music. Details on the video entitled Nowsafar (or New Journey) are sketchy, because I can't be bothered to watch it, but sources close to one of my cats say that the new Persian Prince of Pop is probably doing some twerking in it or something. The Iranian embassy have yet to confirm or deny this, mainly because I haven't asked them, but there does remain a chance that while doing his speech Rude Boy Rouhani also did a bit of be-hind waggling.

Speaking of be-hinds, famous movie film star actor, Tom Cruise, from off of Days of Thunder, is coming to England to film Mission Impossibles 5. But, you may cry, what about the slightly lower than Californian temperatures that afflict this fair isle, won't they prove a chilling discomfort to Mr Cruise's derriere? Well, my over concerned pretend chum, you can stop worrying. Tom has ordered a load of battery powered underpants to keep his tush nice and toasty. They could also give Tom the chance to make more friends on set if he offers to warm up pasties, sausage rolls and pizza slices for co-stars in his portable trouser oven.

Oh and in other news it was Rita Ora's birthday this week. She had a party and wore a dress but at some point or other it was possible to see her underpants. If you missed it, someone took a photo.

Celeb news - Monty's Python and Shergar's Twanky

Don't panic Mr Mainwaring, famous comedy sketch group Monty's Python are set to reunite on the stage, just like that. So get out your four candles and prepare to titter, ooh no missus, at all their famous jokes once again. We're all massive fans here at the celebrity news unit, especially of their ongoing gag about the painting of the fallen Madonna with the big boobies?

Speaking of which, your actual Madonna has hit the top of some Forbes rich list for pop stars. Apparently she's made a chunk of cash from her MDNA tour. I've not had chance to check out what that actually means. (I've been busy alphabetising my sock drawer.) However I reckon it's where Lady Madge has been offering competitive APR to her fans so they can take a loan out to get their mitts on some pointy bras.

I've no idea if Rebecca Adlington has ever worn a pointy bra but I do know the I'm a Celebrity star is set to be all over your telly this Christmas time. Mansfield's Becca is going to appear on a special festive version of popular TV wallpaper Come, Dine With Me. The other guests have probably been announced as well. I imagine they've got other top sporting names including Roger Bannisters, Fatima Whitbread and Shergar. Actually producers may have a bit of trouble getting Shergar as I've heard he's appearing as Widow Twanky at Long Eaton's Duchess Theatre this Christmas. And if that's true you'd better get your hooves on some tickets quick before they all sell out.

Paul Stacey played this on his radio show. He's a very kind man. Listen to him on Erewash Sound, either by going to 96.8fm or erewashsound.com.

Celebrity news - Ink stink

Alan Titchmarsh, 64, has fallen into a feud with rival chat show host Paul O'Grady, 58. O'Grady spilled the beans on his beef by claiming Titch had nicked his chat show ideas, on everything from booking the same guests right down to having the same set design. O'Grady's comments fell from his face as he spoke to Alan 'the chatting man' Carr on his Chatting Man chat show, adding about Titch: "“If our paths cross in the corridor he will rue the day.”
Well, has that day come to pass? Is Alan rue-ing as we speak? He may very well be as it was announced this week that he would no longer be the face of the BBC's Chelsea Flower Show coverage when it returns in 2014. We can only speculate about Paul O'Grady's involvement in this decision, which is quite probably non-existent, but did he put the frighteners on BBC bosses? Has Lily gone quite literally savage? If this is the case it may be time for Titch to crew up and get the Dimbleboys in for protection.

Controversial shock jock David Dimbleby, 75, has stunned fans by bolstering his bad boy image and getting a tattoo of a scorpion on his shoulder. Dimbleby's new ink has caused quite the stink with pretend pretend parents. Made up mum of three Victoria Park was outraged saying "my kids are massive fans of Dimbo and now all they want to do is get a tattoo. It's like Paxman's beard all over again. Have you ever seen a four year old with face fuzz and body art? It's ridiculous!"

Paul Stacey played a sound version of this on his radio breakfast show. It's Erewash Sound, which you can get by tuning to 96.8fm or visiting www.erewashsound.com.

Celeb news - Pixie cut droids in space

Open auditions are going to be held in London for the new Star Wars sequels. It's your chance to Force your way into showbiz and join Hand Solo and Princess Layla aboard the Minellium Falcons.

I wanted to go for the part of Sven Duplex, a Droid farmer from the planet Frangipane with a drink problem and a heart of gold. I wanted to go for that part but it doesn't exist.

Instead I have to come crashing back to reality in the spaceship of my mind, while I confront the Earth shattering news that Pamela Andersons, from off of Baywatch, has had a haircut. The blonde bombshell has stunned fans by having a short pixie cut. We asked an actual pretend pixie for their opinion. "It's looks quite nice. I think it suits her," was their reply.

"Yeah well what about Lady Gaga?" You might say. "Someone should shoot her into space." Well, it's funny that you might say that because she might actually be shooting off into space in 2015 and performing a song aboard Richard Branson's Virgin Galactic. The gig will be part of the Zero Gravity festival in Mexico. But where do they go from here? Will Phil Collins do a drum solo on Mars? Will Katrina and the Waves actually walk on sunshine? Will Bucks Fizz blast themselves into the future to team up with Buck Rogers in the 25th Century and save the world from aliens in bad 70s outfits? We can only speculate. And you can only hear my voice saying these words if you listen to Paul Stacey's breakfast show on a Friday. He's on Erewash Sound, which is on 96.8fm in the Erewash area (Ilkeston, Long Eaton, Ockbrook etc etc).

Celebrity news - Space dinosaurs

Susan Boyle, you know the one who dreamed a dream, is going to have a movie made out of her life story. But will it stick to the facts or will Hollywood play it fast and loose? Producers have yet to confirm whether the film will be a special effects spectacular featuring space dinosaurs and a cameo from Steven Seagal as a kung fu Simon Cowell. But we can only hope.

In other film news, Daniel Radcliffes from off of Harry Potter and your Goblets of Fire is going to play Sebastian Coe. My sources have been sketchy on details but I expect the movie will focus on Lord Coe's thrilling edge of the seat 1992 race to become Member of Parliament for Falmouth and Camborne.No word yet on space dinosaurs or Steven Seagal's role in all this.

And finally, Crazy Britney has done it again one more time. The singer behind the song 'Work Bitch', a jaunty number about border collies, has been used by the Merchant Navy to scare off Somali pirates. The Merchant Navy say it's because Britters is the perfect example of Western decadence and the pirates can't stand to be in earshot off it. Our pop up pretend Somali spokespirate disagreed saying, 'Aaah tis true we can't stand Britney but tis only cost we're massive fans of Christina Aguileraaaargh!'

Paul Stacey played this on his radio show. You can hear him every morning from 7 on Erewash Sound.

Celebrity news - Unangenehm

Unangenehm! As our German chums might say. Awkward! That's how professional president and top American Barack Obamas must feel as his German counterpart Angie Merkel rings to find out why the US is spying on her telephone. We spoke to one pretend spook on condition of anonymity who told us - 'There's nothing to worry about, it was meant to be a secret but I suppose you should know, President Obamas is really one of Santa's helpers. In fact everyone in the NSA has got a hotline to Father Christmas in the North Pole. We just wanted to listen in to find out what Angie really likes and make sure we got her the perfect present. Is that such a crime? Sheesh!'

Sheesh indeed. What could this perfect present be? One look at the sales charts on one popular online retailer may reveal a clue. Last week it was revealed that for the first time since internet records began Sir Cliff Richards is not the number one top selling celebrity calendar. No sirree Bob, it's his arch rivals the One Direction whose calendars are flying off the virtual shelves like actual hot cakes. Sir Clifford has soon put the shoe on the upper hand though as this week it's emerged that his mugs are selling faster than the ones by One Direction. Cliff's managed sales of 2000 for his mugs whereas the 1D boys have only managed 250 sales for theirs. Pfft!!

All these mugs and calendars can't just be for President Obama's mates, you might say. And you'd be abso-bloomin-lutely right. But where are they going? The trail leads us back to Germany where the Bishop of Bling Franz-Peter Tebartz-van Elst has been accused of spending about £26 million doing up his official residence. With that amount of cash he can afford to treat himself and, though the Vatican has yet to confirm it, the suspended bish may have dished out a fair few euros on Cliff Richards's mug with plenty leftover to splash on a One Direction calendar. Unangenehm indeed, you naughty bishop!

This was on the radio. Erewash Sound to be exact. Listen on 96.8fm or www.erewashsound.com.