Multiple Directions

We reach across the multiverse to test Stephen Hawking's One Direction theory.

http://thefuzzbox.jellycast.com/files/audio/CelebNews20150501.mp3

As heard on the Erewash Sound Breakfast Show with Paul Stacey on 1 May 2015.

Zayn's bouncy new direction

Elijah Wood curses the darkness, rumours of a 1D rift and shaving news.

http://thefuzzbox.jellycast.com/files/audio/CelebNews20140829.mp3

As heard on the Erewash Sound Breakfast Show with Paul Stacey on 29 August 2014.

Feed for all episodes: http://thefuzzbox.jellycast.com/podcast/feed/5

Your actual iTunes link: https://itunes.apple.com/gb/podcast/celebrity-news/id903086523

Celebrity news - All tan and no knickers

This month we’re celebrating the fifth anniversary of some mind shaking celebrity news. Cast your noggin back to 2008 and the revelation by TV’s Judith Chalmers that, while filming her holiday show, she never wore knickers. The announcement forced millions of viewers to reconsider the question ‘Wish you were here?’, with many deciding they were probably safer at home.

To mark the occasion Judith and other brilliantly bronzed celebs, including David Dickinson and Tom Daley, will take part in a series of spectacular sporting events, including a special runny race to be known as the walnut dash.

And young Tom Daley’s got even more reason to celebrate than just the knowledge that Judith Chalmers has enjoyed a light breeze in more places than most.

The buff diver has had his last day of school this week, sitting his final A-level exam.  Sources say the Olympian is now planning to make a proper career in television, following the unbridled success of Splash -the celebrity diving show.

My contacts in the hidden realm, beyond the forbidden forest and just off of the enchanted valley, say the aquatic acrobat will likely combine the passions of his mahogany mentors. So prepare to witness the boy wonder burst onto your box with Tom Daley’s Up Your Hatch. It’s a totally original concept in which Tom Daley goes through your loft hatch to find antiques to sell, so you can fund a holiday. It's the perfect mix of the antiques dealing of Dickinson and the travel talents of Chalmers, all in a super tanned package. Watch out for Tom lurking in your loft, eyeing up your heirlooms and looking on as you flog your trinkets.

In other holiday news, Harry Styles' mum has been on the twitter to deny that her One Direction son paid for her recent honeymoon. 'What a load of old twaddle!' she wrote. 'These 'sources' tell big fibs!' My sources in the spirit world agree and assure me they're not fibbing when they say that Harry's mum had a spot of help with the funds from Tom Daley. One unnamed source said, 'Tom had a rummage in Harry's mum's eaves and was delighted to pull out a couple of gems. After that, he was more than happy to lend a hand.'

Listen to Celebrity News every Friday morning at about 8am on Wake up with Erewash. www.erewashsound.com or 96.8fm. Follow @paulstaceyshow on twitters for more details.

Celebrity news - Fizz free conspiracy?

One Direction’s personal chef has spilled the beans on the band’s favourite foods and it’s fascinating. Honestly. Contrary to what you may think, turkey dinosaur shapes and alphabetti spaghetti are nowhere to be found on the 1D menu. No, the boys have proper grown up food like sausage and mash, spicy chicken and Special K. The chef also revealed that there’s no booze supplied, adding that ‘they also drink more juices and water than fizzy drinks. Before they go onstage, they tend to have orange or apple juice, Capri-Suns or Rubicon.’

My contact in the night garden says, ‘these concerts often go on until just around bed time, so cola and other fizzy drinks are a no no. Harry once had half a Panda Pop at about six o’clock. He didn’t get to sleep until way past ten and ended up being over tired and grumpy the next day.’   One Direction’s disdain for alcohol and carbonated drinks may have had unfortunate repercussions. There may be no connection, I may be living in a land of make believe, but is it just a coincidence that a band named after a combination of the two, Bucks Fizz, has had a bit of bother getting work recently? Are people that desperate to please the fizzy drink fearing pop tots? Hear the evidence before you start making your mind up.   At the same time as the 1D boy's drink preferences were made public, Record breaker Cheryl Baker's celebrity cook off tour suffered severe set backs recently with all dates in June and July shelved with no explanation. A coincidence? Maybe, but it's a sad day when Eurovision legend Cheryl is short on work. I had a quick look up her twitter and found this tweet from her fair fingers -

 

Well, we may have just the gig for her. Maybe Cheryl can bring her cook off skills to help Renée Zellweger shove on a few stone for the third Bridget Jones movie. According to reports the latest installment will see Bridget “immersed in texting and social media” and, ohmygodstopthisislikesobrilliant, learning that it is never OK to text while drunk.   Other things that she'll learn include that it's never okay to pump evil pink slime into New York's sewers, trust evil spirits trapped inside seventeenth century paintings, animate the Statue of Liberty or cross the streams. Hang on that’s Ghostbusters II. No, forget everything I’ve just said. Bridget Jones 3 is going to be completely original and unlike anything you’ve ever read or seen before.

Listen to the spoken word version of this every Friday morning on Erewash Sound. Usually about 8am-ish. Check with @paulstaceyshow for details.

Celebrity news - Experts predict which 1D boy to die first?

According to actual reports, Katy Perry has been dropped as the face of a brand of hair straighteners and all for not being famous enough. Katy's prepared to go to court to argue her case and we here at the Celebrity News Unit are happy to give her a head start.

Of course she’s famous enough, she’s er. . . used to be married to that bloke, you know and had that song that people liked. She’s . . . ok she’s no Su Pollard but she’s still famous and we love all her songs, even the rubbish ones. However, could Katy be wishing that she hadn’t scaled the dizzying heights of fame at all?

It’s official folks, or as official as these things can be, being famous can shave years off your life. That's according to dubious research floating its way to the top of the 'ready-made story bag'. Actors, singers, musicians, and dancers could all be heading to an earlier grave than counterparts in other walks of life. The experts at the Institute for Celebrity Mortality, or wherever they're from, claim it could be down to all the vices performers have. What with all the smoking, drinking and drugging that they do.

All this could be bad news for Harry Styles from off of One Direction. A Warwickshire-based celebrity mask manufacturer has revealed that Harry's mush is selling three times faster than those of the other 1D lads. The young pop scoundrel looks like he'd never touch a drug or a booze, but he could still be heading for that great stadium gig in the sky faster than his band mates. What if the scientists had got it wrong and something other than lifestyle was to blame?
Are there darker forces at work than fags, booze and poppers?

Is Harry playing chess with Death or is continuous touring an attempt to outrun a Final Destination–style fate? All of this has got us very worried here at the Celebrity News Unit and we urge young Harry to give it a rest, go into hiding for a bit, away from the spotlight. For your own sake, and for ours, stop man! Stop before it's too late. 

Listen to Celebrity News every Friday morning at about 8am on Wake up with Erewash. www.erewashsound.com or 96.8fm. Follow @paulstaceyshow on twitters for more details.

Celebrity news - Fizzy pop psychic pup

Celebrity person Jodie Marsh has stunned the world by announcing that she’d rather work at a supermarket than appear on television’s The Only Way is Essex. We’ve not been able to find out if this is because the supermarket pays more than TOWIE or not, but we’re sure she’d be a hit on the deli-counter and have started filling in an application form in her name. Fingers crossed Jodes!

Pop singer Beyoncé Knowles has allowed cameras behind the scenes of an advert she’s making for a popular fizzy drink. In the ad, Beyoncé does some dancing like she did in some famous music videos she’s done but this time instead of promoting her latest album she’s selling sugar water.

An outraged fan we’ve made up said ‘I’m disappointed in Ms Knowles, you’d never see her brother Nick hawking carbonated vegetable stock. He’s all about responding to people’s DIY woes. If she’s really that desperate for cash Nick could get her a few hours work as a plumber’s mate, fixing radiators and whatever.’

And if Beyoncé was worried about not being able to afford a gift for Miley Cyrus’s wedding she can breathe easy for a bit. Miley has announced she and her fiancée are postponing the big day, because they’re not ready yet. This should give Beyonce, Harry Styles, Su Pollard and the rest of the celebrity world time to save up for some vouchers or a nice set of table linen for the young couple.

We weren’t actually able to contact Miley direct for a quote, so instead we asked Stewart the psychic dog for his opinion. Touch your paws to his to find out more.

Listen to Celebrity News every Friday morning at about 8am on Wake up with Erewash. www.erewashsound.com or 96.8fm. Follow @paulstaceyshow on twitters for more details.

Celebrity News - Bruce Willis football official

Bruce Willis says it's an 'honour' to play GI Joe in new film GI Joe Retaliations. But what does the GI in GI Joe stand for? We’ve had exclusive access to some bloke on the street who says, ‘er, I don’t know, is it like a Grounds Inspector or something, you know for when it’s been snowing and they see if you can actually play football on the pitch or not.’ Well, we here at the Celebrity News Unit think that’s as good a guess as any. And we can’t wait to find out what Brucie has to say about this Saturday’s Evo-Stik League Northern Premier match between Ilkeston FC and Blyth Spartans.

The former Moonlighting and Hudson Hawk star appears in the new film with Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson. According to our source in the street, Johnson plays a fellow pitch inspector for the Evo-Stik League and responds to his colleague’s maverick ways with the catchphrase ‘What'chu talkin' 'bout, Bruce Willis?’ So that’s GI Joe Retaliations, out in cinemas now, for at least the next week or so.

And the weather’s not just keeping Brucie busy. It was a bit windy the other day and Mylene Klass’s skirt got caught in the gust. Thankfully photographers were on hand to record the moment for posterity. A made-up onlooker said, ‘it was great, you could see like just above her knees as she tried to hold the skirt down and keep her dignity, it was even better than when photographers followed her and her kids on the school run earlier this month. I can’t wait to see what they snap next.’

Finally, throwing caution to the wind in this chilly climate, Harry Styles from One Direction has put photos of himself on twitter and he’s not wearing a top. Not even a vest. Worried fans I’ve imagined are concerned that Harry will catch his death and have started knitting him a new sweater. A source close to the snowman in my garden has said that fans need not fret. ‘Harry’s got gas central heating throughout and took off his top so that he’d feel the benefit when taking next door’s dog for a walk.’ Next door’s dog declined to comment.

Listen to Celebrity News every Friday morning on Wake up with Erewash on www.erewashsound.com or 96.8fm. Follow @paulstaceyshow on twitters for more details.