Tonight's Telly - Celebrity Dangle

Don't miss
Celebrity Dangle - PlusFive 8.30pm
Celebrity version of the popular Andy Crane fronted quiz show where contestants hang from ever increasing heights while being asked increasingly tough trivia questions.

This week Colin Murray goes head to head and upside down against Judith Chalmers.

Film Pick
Rising Infection - MovieSponge 9.30pm
Chilling zombie horror starring Robert Lindsay as a brave British scientist battling against mortis australianus or the Australian death. A deadly disease breaks out of a soap opera set, spreading across the globe and turning all it touches into mindless, bumbling corpses whose every ungodly utterance sounds like a question for which there is no answer.  (15) Contains horror, gore, extreme peril and constant rising inflection.

Best of the rest
How to Cook Good Naked - Diane 9pm
Fashion's very own Gok Wan whips up the perfect pud in the nud and shows you how to get the most out of your dumplings.

Celeb news - the world is a vampire

Here at your celebrity news unit, if there’s one thing we can’t stand it’s made-up rumours, inaccuracies and lies and people what can’t count properly and do a proper grammar.

Last week Nick Knowles’ sister Beyonce had her spokeslady slam, yes slam(!), rumours that Be-Yo was having an affair with professional president Baracks Obama as absurd. Of course they’re absurd, everyone knows he prefers Kelly Rowland. At least that's what I've heard.

Another rumour that has us crazy bonkers foaming at the mouth is that celebrity person Kim Cardassian has had an artificial bum installed. The star, most famous for something or other, went on the Twitter to state "I'm seeing all these nonsense tabloids claiming I have butt implants-injections. Get a life!" Get a life indeed, it’s not even believable, not like that one about Pharrell Williams.

Pharrell, who recently updated Ken Dodd’s Happiness song for the text message generation, has had to deny rumours that he’s an actual vampire. The forty year old NERD singer told Time Out London: "I'm willing to go on record as saying that I don't drink people's blood." Pharrell put his youthful looks, at such an advanced ancient age, down to washing his face. Given that we hate rumours and gossip mongering it would be wrong of us to point out that he didn’t specify with what he cleansed his mush. Those fine chops of his could be washed with the blood of rap duo Salt’n’Peppa for all we know. After all it’s been literally donkeys’ years since anyone’s heard anything from them. I’m not saying they’re being used as human soap dispensers but it definitely makes you think.

Paul Stacey played an audio version of this on his radio show. Listen to him every weekday morning from 7 on Erewash Sound. 96.8fm or www.erewashsound.com. xx

Celeb news: Confessions of a celeb

There was panic on the streets of London this week as One Direction's Liam Payne was seen on the ledge of a tall building. A picture of the stunt was posted to Twitter but soon deleted after many fans became scared. Don't worry though, you can still get all frightened and outraged by just opening one of the many papers or websites that re-printed the offending shot. But just what was he doing up there? Sources close to my video collection say young Liam was trying to emulate one of his favourite film characters played by cheeky Robin Askwith. 'Liam loves Confessions of a Window Cleaner and thought for a moment he could live the life of a smutty 70s sex comedy, getting all soapy with bored housewives and hiding from jealous husbands and the like. He now realises his error and will concentrate instead on trying to get a job on the buses.'

Former Smiths singer and Penguin Classics author Morrissey is set to release another album this year. I have no details but reckon this will be the first album by Moz to feature a laugh track and songs inspired by the sitcom Keeping Up Appearances. A spokesman for my cat said, 'Morrisey can't get enough of Mrs Bucket, or Bouquet as she insists on calling herself, and he literally wets himself every time she frightens her neighbour into dropping a tea cup. This is just his way of paying tribute to a comedy classic.' Fans are said to be depressed at the idea, so at least they're happy.

Liam and Moz aren't the only pop stars with a passion for classic British comedy. Jessie J has shown her colours by getting her hair done blue just like Mrs Slocombe on TV's Are You Being Served? I'm not sure how far the tribute goes but rumour is she's had her pet cat done to match.

 The audio version of this was on the radio at some point. Tune in to Paul Stacey's breakfast show on Erewash Sound for a chance of hearing it.

Celeb news - A more innocent time

Hi!!! As TV’s the Fonzie would say or perhaps sing. The Fonzie is set to return in a new musical based on Happy Days, opening this weekend in Bromley. For those too young to remember, Happy Days was a sitcom set in the golden age of the fifties, those innocent days long before the ills of the internet were even imagined. The show revolved around a mechanic who used to befriend school kids and hang around inside the girls’ toilets at the local diner. It really was a more innocent time. The musical revival stars former Emmerdale Farm actor Ben Freeman as the Fonzie with Bucks Fizz bombshell Cheryl Baker as Mrs Cunningham, a parent of two of the teens he befriends.

Speaking of more innocent times. Remember S Club 7? They were like S Club Juniors but without later chart success as The Saturdays. Well they too may be getting a musical revival if Twitter is any indication. One of the S Club boys, Paul Cattermole, got on the old tweeting box to hassle former bandmates about a reunion. You might think that there wouldn’t be a cat in mole’s chance of this leading anywhere but one of them actually tweeted back with ‘ok LOL’. Reports that Cattermole then printed this out at his local library, shouting at librarians that it was a legally binding contract and that they’d better get him a plastic wallet for safekeeping are entirely made up.

Something that's not made up is that retired American basketball person Dennis Rodman has paid another visit to suspiciously fat North Korean dictator Lil Kim Jong Un. Rodman even sung happy birthday to the chubby tubster, much like Marylin Monroes did for JFK. Reports that Paul Cattermole is trying to get his former bandmates to sing at the next big North Korean birthday bash are just complete fabrications as is the rumour that Kim Jong Un would want to turn them all into an S Club Sandwich and eat them.

Celeb news - I will be back in time for a nice cup of tea

What's your favourite movie quote from a film? Well, come on then. Out with it. If you've not had chance to think then how about looking at what a recent poll says. They went through all your obvious ones, like 007's 'my name is James. James Bonds'. Or that one from Mary Poppins, 'G'day Mary Poppins'. Or the one from Jaws. 'Aaaargh it's a massive shark and I think it's going to bite my leg or something.' But the one they settled on was by California's own Arnold Schwarzenegger from his famous film The Terminators. You know the one, where he's a robot man from the future who knocks on doors asking people if they know Tom O'Connor and promises that he'll return in a bit saying 'I will be back'. Classic Arnie.

And if acting awards could speak, one that was once given to Nottingham's Su Pollard may very well have said 'I will be back.' Super Su was given an award back in 1966 but somehow the trophy was lost and ended up stuck in a cupboard for decades. But just like Arnie the award came back and was presented once more to Su at Glade Hill Primary School in Bestwood Park. And if you want to spend your internet minutes on something else there's an online web video of Su giving the award a good ol' kiss. Mwah!

Someone who doesn't even need to say 'I will be back' is Canadian teen singing sensation Justin Biebers. The superstar sproglet was rumoured this week to be retiring from showbiz. But it was just a rumour and we can all look forward to his new album which, according to sources at the back of my cupboard, will be called 'The Sound of Beige'. Tracks may include such wonders as 'All Fields (I remember when)', 'It's Slipper Time', and the more saucy number 'Walk in Bath for Two'. Order now and Michael Parkinson will even throw in a free Parkers Pen. Perhaps.

Celeb news - Rude Boy Rouhani

Justin Bieber teased his new video this week but the cherub-faced Canadian child star has got some competition on his hands in the form of Hassan Rouhani. The Iranian President can be seen online, on your actual internet, in a music video featuring his endorsement speech from August set to music. Details on the video entitled Nowsafar (or New Journey) are sketchy, because I can't be bothered to watch it, but sources close to one of my cats say that the new Persian Prince of Pop is probably doing some twerking in it or something. The Iranian embassy have yet to confirm or deny this, mainly because I haven't asked them, but there does remain a chance that while doing his speech Rude Boy Rouhani also did a bit of be-hind waggling.

Speaking of be-hinds, famous movie film star actor, Tom Cruise, from off of Days of Thunder, is coming to England to film Mission Impossibles 5. But, you may cry, what about the slightly lower than Californian temperatures that afflict this fair isle, won't they prove a chilling discomfort to Mr Cruise's derriere? Well, my over concerned pretend chum, you can stop worrying. Tom has ordered a load of battery powered underpants to keep his tush nice and toasty. They could also give Tom the chance to make more friends on set if he offers to warm up pasties, sausage rolls and pizza slices for co-stars in his portable trouser oven.

Oh and in other news it was Rita Ora's birthday this week. She had a party and wore a dress but at some point or other it was possible to see her underpants. If you missed it, someone took a photo.

Celeb news - Monty's Python and Shergar's Twanky

Don't panic Mr Mainwaring, famous comedy sketch group Monty's Python are set to reunite on the stage, just like that. So get out your four candles and prepare to titter, ooh no missus, at all their famous jokes once again. We're all massive fans here at the celebrity news unit, especially of their ongoing gag about the painting of the fallen Madonna with the big boobies?

Speaking of which, your actual Madonna has hit the top of some Forbes rich list for pop stars. Apparently she's made a chunk of cash from her MDNA tour. I've not had chance to check out what that actually means. (I've been busy alphabetising my sock drawer.) However I reckon it's where Lady Madge has been offering competitive APR to her fans so they can take a loan out to get their mitts on some pointy bras.

I've no idea if Rebecca Adlington has ever worn a pointy bra but I do know the I'm a Celebrity star is set to be all over your telly this Christmas time. Mansfield's Becca is going to appear on a special festive version of popular TV wallpaper Come, Dine With Me. The other guests have probably been announced as well. I imagine they've got other top sporting names including Roger Bannisters, Fatima Whitbread and Shergar. Actually producers may have a bit of trouble getting Shergar as I've heard he's appearing as Widow Twanky at Long Eaton's Duchess Theatre this Christmas. And if that's true you'd better get your hooves on some tickets quick before they all sell out.

Paul Stacey played this on his radio show. He's a very kind man. Listen to him on Erewash Sound, either by going to 96.8fm or erewashsound.com.