Celeb news - No drugs please, we're American!

Nigella Lawson, once described by my cat as the female Gary Rhodes, has been refused entry to the US of America for admitting to having once taken some cocaines. America is a notoriously conservative country, frowning upon any illegal drug taking and barring anyone with even the memory of a narcotic experience from dirtying their hallowed shores. A spokesman for something or other said, ‘frankly my dear the land of the free is no place for people what do drugs, if we let even one drugger in then who knows what will happen, it may even encourage some of our own otherwise saintly celebrities to dabble in your cocaines and that’ll never do.’

Ilkeston’s very own Robert Lindsay, who used to live in Ilkeston, has been receiving rave reviews for his turn in the stage play Dirty Rotten Scoundrels. The Ilkeston actor admitted that he had never seen the original 1988 film starring Michael Caines from off of Zulu but . . . whoah hang on we’ve got some late breaking news . . .

Nigella Lawson, once described by my other cat as the female Keith Floyd, has now been offered the chance to apply for a working visa by the US Embassy. A spokesman for something or other said, ‘so she’s done a bit of the nose candies, so what, there’s no need to get your panties in a twist about it, besides she bakes a mean pastry and have you caught a look at her macaroons? They’re stupendous!’

Paul Stacey played an audio version of this on his radio show. You can listen to him every week day from 7am on Erewash Sound. 96.8fm or www.erewashsound.com.

Celebrity news - Dripping

Ilkeston's favourite actor, Ilkeston's very own, Ilkeston-born Robert Lindsay is said to have quit filming the second series of BBC Two's Line of Duty due to creative differences.  No word yet on what those creative differences may be. However, it may be down to Mester Lindsay improvising dialogue, calling everyone 'duck' and offering round his bag of tuffies at the end of each scene.
 
Speaking of sweeties. Are The Saturdays too nice for their own good? Rumours are that their TV show has been cancelled by the E! Entertainment channel in America because they don't do enough arguing. Well, according to thoughts I've been receiving through the ether, The Saturdays didn't even want to break America anyway because it's rubbish and it smells and it's really difficult to get a decent ploughman's lunch out there. And god forbid you get a craving for a scotch egg. No, The Saturdays are quite happy in Britain.

And so is Cliff Richard. The ever youthful Peter Cushing of pop is on a tour of stately homes around the country. So, take that America! Have you got bachelor boy Cliff Richard touring your country? No! And he's going to keep going. Sir Clifford has revealed that he's not retiring any time soon. But how does he stay looking so young? Is it all the tennis he plays, whacking balls back and forth? Has he got his very own rejuvenation chamber, imbued with the magickal knowledge of the ancients? Or does he do us all proud and stick to good old British products - rubbing pure British beef fat into his pores to retain his lustrous sheen? A source close to someone who knows my butcher says 'Cliff looks like he's never happier than when he has dripping all over his face.'

Listen to the spoken word version of this every Friday morning on Erewash Sound. Usually about 8am-ish. Check with @paulstaceyshow for details.