Celebrity news - More monkey business

What makes the celebrity news unit distinct from other showbiz news outlets, is our willingness to admit when we’ve got something wrong. Some weeks ago we brought you news that Justin Bieber’s monkey had been taken into custody by German officials because the chub-faced warbler hadn’t bothered to fill in the necessary paperwork. That much was true. We then suggested that Cheryl Cole had assembled a crack squad of celebrities, including Samuel L Jackson, Robert Downey Jr and Gwyneth Paltrow, to go on a secret monkey mission, with Lindsay Lohan using her guile and acting ability to pull off the final rescue. We were wrong. The lovely Cheryl Cole didn’t yank Biebster’s monkey away from the Germans, nor has young Justin responded to calls to pay a fine and repatriate his erstwhile pet. The monkey has now been adopted by his German keepers and will start a new life in Bavaria. We apologise for misleading you and hope you’ll find it in your heart to forgive us. In the meantime we’re ignoring reports we’ve made up that the abandoned primate is writing a book titled Unbeliebable: My Life as Justin Bieber’s Monkey. We’re also dubious about suggestions that comedy legend Tommy Cannon will be playing the monkey in the forthcoming screen adaptation. It’s more likely to be Matt Damon or someone like that. 

All this monkey business won't have impressed Taylor Swift much. She's already expressed concerns about bezzy mate Selena Gomez kickstarting her romance with the pint-sized Canadian crooner. Unnamed sources says she reckons Selena could do better than Bieber. And it's likely the monkey agrees. 

The monkey may also have an opinion on David Beckham's retirement from football possibly saying ooh ooh ha ha which is monkey language for 'that Becks seems like a great guy, I'd love to go into business with him. My monkey mates and I are always looking for novelty ways to store our fruit and I've heard he's hung up his boots to concentrate on selling banana hammocks. If he can find a way to cover our monkey nuts as well, I'll have my cheque book open faster than you can say ooh ooh oohh ha ha ha.'

Listen to the audio version go out on Erewash Sound (www.erewashsound.com) every Friday morning from 8am. 

Celebrity News - Munich Monkey Rescue!

Jessie J has hit back at critics who say she’s not very good on TV’s The Voice. No one at the World of Yeah Celebrity News Unit has actually seen The Voice, but we’re sure she’s doing a sterling job and as long she’s trying her best that’s all that matters. And if things get that bad she could always join Cheryl Cole, who’s jetted off to your United States of America, (which is somewhere between Mexico and Canada). 

But why?! Why has Cheryl Cole gone to America? Is she hoping to crack the billboard 100 musical charts or land a part in season 4 of Game of Thrones? Is she the new host of Man vs. Food? Or is she, as we here at the Celeb News Unit believe, assembling an all-star showbiz team to rescue Justin Bieber’s monkey?

The Canadian Chesney Hawkes flew the monkey to Germany on a private jet, but failed to get the correct papers. Now the Biebster’s simian pet is being held at an animal shelter in Munich, with freedom far from the grasp of his little monkey paws, hoping that a Geordie superstar will pull off the most daring prison break of the twenty-first century.

Cheryl Cole’s showbiz rescue squad will probably be bankrolled by Harry Styles, and his One Direction mates, who this week were said to be the UK’s wealthiest boy band. 

American actress Lindsay Lohans, who fooled the world on the 1st of April by doing a joke that she was pregnant, will be on the team to provide distraction. Lindsay will go to the animal shelter desk, claim to be the monkey’s uncle and kick up a Hollywood-sized fuss all up in their Bavarian faces. Cheryl, along with Robert Downey Junior, Scarlett Johansson and Samuel L Jackson, will suit up, fly in and grab the monkey. The monkey will then be whisked away to Norway to rendezvous with an anxious Biebo. Of course, the handover will only take place after Cheryl has given young Justin a good talking to about how being a grown up means learning to take responsibility not only for yourself, but for those who depend on you, including your monkey.

Listen to Celebrity News every Friday morning at about 8am on Wake up with Erewash. www.erewashsound.com or 96.8fm. Follow @paulstaceyshow on twitters for more details.