Celebrity news - Posh Spices and the queen of darts

We here at the celebrity news unit are still waiting for David Beckham’s retirement card to make it round to us. We were going to stick with the standard ‘all the best’, with a little smiley face, but that was before we heard of his latest accolade. According to a tedious survey, David Beckham is the showbiz celeb most people would like to invite to afternoon tea. For this most prestigious of titles, the underpant salesman beat both Johnny Depp and the Duchess of Cambridge. Unfortunately, none of us are quite sure which one the Duchess of Cambridge is. It’s either Kate Middletons or Camilla, one of the two. I suppose if you think about it, it sounds most like Camilla, so we’ll go with that. Camilla probably only lost out to Becks because she’d be fidgeting during tea, moaning about the lack of pork scratchings and constantly repeating that there’s a decent place round the corner where you can get a proper pie and a pint.

The real question then, surely, is which royal consort would you like to invite on a narrowboat tour of real ale pubs? Let’s look at the runners. Phil’s getting on a bit and might embarrass you with one of his 'jokes', Sophie’s probably allergic to hops or something and Fergie would want to drag you into a wine bar that’s seen better days. Which, following our own in depth survey of ourselves, shows Camilla to be the clear winner. Truly she is the queen of darts.

This makes it even sadder that our Cams was beaten by yet another Beckham to yet another award this week. This time it was Mrs B. Yes, Victoria, better known to thousands as Posh Spices, was named Woman of the Decade at a magazine’s award ceremony. You may be shocked by the result but we’re absolutely sure that this conclusion was only reached after following a rigorous process. The judging panel almost definitely considered every woman on Earth, including your mum and your slightly eccentric aunty (you know, the one with the hair), and then had a good old think about their contribution to society over the past ten years. The kind of good old think that requires lots of cups of coffee, bags of doughnuts and endless gruelling all-nighters - a bit like when they choose a pope. And, when the metaphorical white smoke went up, the brave panel would have been one hundred per cent positive that nothing any woman has done this decade can possibly beat having once been in a popular girl band or having a mid-range perfume line named after you. Nothing!

Consider this, Burmese pro-democracy leader Aung San Suu Kyi may have risked the wrath of the military by declaring that she wants to run for president again, and Taylor Swift may have posted a picture of her cat looking bored on Twitter, but all this fades into insignificance in the face of Vicky Beckham. Yes it's truly a tough competition when not even Camilla’s alleged encyclopaedic knowledge of canal-side pubs is seen as a patch on Posh.

Listen to the spoken word version of this every Friday morning on Erewash Sound. Usually about 8am-ish. Check with @paulstaceyshow for details.

Celebrity news - More monkey business

What makes the celebrity news unit distinct from other showbiz news outlets, is our willingness to admit when we’ve got something wrong. Some weeks ago we brought you news that Justin Bieber’s monkey had been taken into custody by German officials because the chub-faced warbler hadn’t bothered to fill in the necessary paperwork. That much was true. We then suggested that Cheryl Cole had assembled a crack squad of celebrities, including Samuel L Jackson, Robert Downey Jr and Gwyneth Paltrow, to go on a secret monkey mission, with Lindsay Lohan using her guile and acting ability to pull off the final rescue. We were wrong. The lovely Cheryl Cole didn’t yank Biebster’s monkey away from the Germans, nor has young Justin responded to calls to pay a fine and repatriate his erstwhile pet. The monkey has now been adopted by his German keepers and will start a new life in Bavaria. We apologise for misleading you and hope you’ll find it in your heart to forgive us. In the meantime we’re ignoring reports we’ve made up that the abandoned primate is writing a book titled Unbeliebable: My Life as Justin Bieber’s Monkey. We’re also dubious about suggestions that comedy legend Tommy Cannon will be playing the monkey in the forthcoming screen adaptation. It’s more likely to be Matt Damon or someone like that. 

All this monkey business won't have impressed Taylor Swift much. She's already expressed concerns about bezzy mate Selena Gomez kickstarting her romance with the pint-sized Canadian crooner. Unnamed sources says she reckons Selena could do better than Bieber. And it's likely the monkey agrees. 

The monkey may also have an opinion on David Beckham's retirement from football possibly saying ooh ooh ha ha which is monkey language for 'that Becks seems like a great guy, I'd love to go into business with him. My monkey mates and I are always looking for novelty ways to store our fruit and I've heard he's hung up his boots to concentrate on selling banana hammocks. If he can find a way to cover our monkey nuts as well, I'll have my cheque book open faster than you can say ooh ooh oohh ha ha ha.'

Listen to the audio version go out on Erewash Sound (www.erewashsound.com) every Friday morning from 8am.